growing

I've had several blog entries percolating in my mind since last week, but haven't quite gotten around to writing them.  Little Miss Esther has taken to waking up at 6 AM every morning (occasionally earlier!), so I've been more tired than usual and trying to get in a nap during her naptime more often than usual.

Oh, my lyme disease titer came back negative.  So I have no idea what that rash was about, but since it's mostly gone, it doesn't appear to be a matter of concern.

Esther has also taken to waking up at least once more nights than not.  We're not sure what's waking her up, but...well, like I said, I've been tired lately!  Last week I was reading the story of Jesus calming the storm, and when I got to the point where his disciples woke him up out of an exhausted sleep, scared and angry at him for not doing anything to protect them from the storm, I thought, I guess I'm in good company when I get woken up by the cries of someone who depends on me to make everything better!

It's been interesting to see how becoming a parent has affected my spiritual life.  Last year we were discussing spiritual growth in our small group Bible study, and one parent of a toddler said she hadn't had time to grow spiritually because she was too busy and tired with work and parenting.  (And we had a similar conversation with other close friends who have been deeply involved in the life of a friend of theirs who was going through a crisis.)  Both times, I thought to myself that surely something must be going on inside of them while they were giving so much of themselves to serve others.  Then a couple of weeks after we came home with Esther, I found myself sitting on my couch and wondering if I would ever have a spiritual life again, when I could barely keep my eyes open long enough to read a Psalm, let alone meditate on it, and whenever I set out to pray I would find myself instead planning what to feed Esther after she woke up.  I know that God is just as present--if not more!--in the ordinary, absorbing task of raising a child as in any other life experience I've had, but it's a very different feeling from getting insights into God's ways through study or prayer.  So, one of my birthday presents is going to be a book called Authentic Faith, by Gary Thomas, which talks about how God uses life experiences that we often don't choose or control to form us.  I'll be interested to see if it sheds any light on my life now.  (Tim says I'm supposed to forget about having ordered books, but how can I when the box from Amazon.com arrived yesterday and is sitting tantalizingly in our entryway??)

All that aside, remember that famous quote from Eric Liddell, when he said he felt God's pleasure when he ran?  I feel God's pleasure when I care for my baby.  It's not going to change very much of the world, but right now this is exactly what God is calling me to do.  After all, Jesus took time out from doing more "important" things to hold babies and bless them.  And Esther has her ministry to me, too.  Of course, babies are very useful for making cracks in our carefully constructed self-image, and making us take a good look at how impatient and self-centered and unreasonably angered we are.  But there's more than that.  We've been taking Esther into the church service with us, where she usually falls asleep in her carrier.  A few weeks ago we were singing a song which has the line "There's nothing made that was not made to show Your power," and I looked down at Esther and was just overwhelmed by the truth of that.  How many times have I not been in awe of the One who made her so beautiful and complex?  And how many times have I not been moved to gratitude for having her in my life?  So...while there are some ways of relating to God that I've had to mostly set aside during this stage of my life, there are other ways where, in between the mundane moments of feeding, and cleaning, and waking in the night to walk in bleary-eyed circles through the living room, there are new moments of beauty and blessing.  And I'm thankful for this gift.

Linette