In some ways, I feel pretty well prepared. Having spent two years in China and a large chunk of my formative years in Thailand, I feel like I have some intuitive sense, albeit an incomplete one, of what it feels like to view the world as an Asian. Unfortunately, that doesn't help much with understanding how it feels to have the world view me as Asian. A book I was reading recently pointed out that in this country, people of European ancestry are apt to be viewed as individuals, representative of no-one but themselves, but minorities are apt to be viewed as representatives of their ethnic groups. So they may be judged by whatever stereotypes are attached to their ethnic group, and they in turn may influence how their group is judged. Since reading that, I've witnessed some interactions on the playground of our apartment complex that I think illustrate this dynamic.
1. Esther was playing near, and trying to get the attention of, a little girl of around kindergarten age. An older cousin (I think) of the little girl saw Esther kicking at woodchips near the girl and said, "Don't kick her!" The girl's father answered, "Don't worry, she's not mean like that other Chinese kid." [The child in question is Vietnamese, but I've heard other kids refer to him as Chinese on several occasions...and yes, he is sorely lacking in social skills, although he's getting better.]
2. Two elementary-age girls on the swings were discussing the idiosyncracies of a classmate. One said to the other, "He's not weird, he's just Chinese." Which, to me, could be taken as meaning that Chinese people are normally weird (or that immigrants are normally weird, depending on the context).
3. An elementary-age girl who had just met Esther and was quite taken with her was introducing her to her friend. She explained, "She's Chinese! That's why she's so cute." (And if that sounds like a perfectly normal thing to say, try to imagine someone saying, "She's white! That's why she's so cute." They just wouldn't--not, I think, because it would be snobbish, but because whiteness is our mental default setting and doesn't get noticed. Mind you, I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that statement in China.)
So, even in this very diverse area, and even setting aside identity issues related to adoption, Esther's Chineseness is likely to be more complicated for her than my Europeanness is for me. And helping her navigate that is going to be a challenge, but for the moment it's still a future challenge.
What is important now is that she begin forming a positive identity, not just as a human being and a girl, but also as an Asian-American. There are definitely "best practices" out there for adoptive parents to follow. We--and she--have relationships with a Chinese community: check. We have incorporated some elements of Chinese culture (artifacts, foods and holidays) into our lives: check. We not only expose her to the Chinese language but demonstrate value for it ourselves: check. I don't have any illusions that she will be remotely bilingual or bicultural as a result of our superficial efforts (by superficial here I don't mean careless or insincere, just that they inevitably only touch the surface of our lives together). But I hope she will be able to take pride in the accomplishments of both her Chinese and European forbears, and if she wants to immerse herself in her birth language and culture at some point, I hope she will have a good foundation for doing so. So we tell her that she's Chinese, and teach her some words in Chinese, and talk about how she used to live in China. And I think it's sinking in.
Sometimes when I don't have a timer handy, I will count to mark time. I usually ask Esther if she wants me to count in English or Chinese, and she often chooses Chinese. She herself can count as well (or as badly, depending on how you look at it!) in Chinese as in English.
Esther knows which of our books are in English and which (several children's picture books and textbooks) are Chinese. She will sometimes look at the Chinese books and speak fake Chinese (that is, she'll produce Chinese-sounding syllables, but they're not any words that she knows). She does also know a few words in Chinese, and uses them from time to time.
We have a two-sided embroidery from China which is in a rotatable frame. Esther loves to push the frame and make it go around. The other morning we had it out on the floor and I told her that it was from China, and people in China make a lot of beautiful things. She looked very pleased and announced, "My China!" (Although to be fair, this doesn't necessarily mean that she associates herself with China; anything that she likes or wants these days is "mine." But at the very least, it means that China is something she thinks is desirable.)
When we were at my grandmother's house over Labor Day weekend, Esther saw the referral picture we got of her, taken when she was five months old, and called it "baby Serena" (a little friend who is about four months old and also similar coloring). We told her it was a picture of herself as a baby. Later in the library she saw a picture of a baby from southern China and called it "baby Esther."
From time to time I mention something to Esther about her birth family. Tonight we prayed for her birth family, and she echoed, "buf famy." I told her that she has a birth family in China and she smiled. A few minutes later, in the middle of her lullaby, she piped up, "family." So I told her that she has a family here (naming off some of the closest members) who all love her, and she also has a birth family in China who are Chinese, like her. She looked very pleased.
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