Insight

Shortly before we left for China, we got a call from a social worker at our placing adoption agency.  (They have families speak with social workers at several different points, partly of course to help families prepare for meeting their child, but also I think to help lower any psychological barriers to calling the agency for help if there are problems once the child is in the family.)  Anyway, at one point during the conversation she asked me if I had noticed the part in our son's video interview where he described himself as "bad-tempered."  I said we had, and told her how we thought about it.  She said she was glad we had noticed and added, "That's a really good sign that he has that kind of insight."  I had not thought about that before, but she had a good point: some children from difficult backgrounds have never learned to think about themselves in that kind of way.

I have thought about her comment many times since, as we have gotten to know Daniel.  He has definite ideas about who he is and what he is like.  He has an ability to put himself in other people's shoes.  And, he is very insightful.

Early on after coming to the U.S., Daniel started noticing the differences between children raised in a family and children raised in an orphanage.  He doesn't just react to the differences, he can describe them.  For example, watching a friend of Esther rip through her presents at her birthday party, he commented, "Children in families just glance at their presents [literally: look at them with one eye!] and leave them on the floor.  Children in an orphanage would never do that!  They know someone might take their present, so they will hold on to it.  But in a family, you can leave your things on the floor and nobody will take them."  He has also commented on the developmental differences between children raised in different settings.  He almost invariably winds up his observations by commenting, "It's better to be raised in a family."

And then there was the comment he made over the phone to a "teacher" (not sure whether she was one of his school teachers or a senior staff member at the orphanage; he has stayed in touch with adults of both varieties and gives them all the title of teacher).  He mentioned something he does sometimes which is young for his age.  She apparently told him he was too old for that behavior, because he replied, "When I was little I never got to do that with my mother, so now even though I am big I want to do it sometimes."  How does he know these things??  There are so many adults out there who don't understand what is triggering the things they do, and yet here is this fourteen-year-old with no special training who has a very clear perception of what is going on emotionally in our relationship.  I absolutely agree with his assessment...but I had no idea that he knew that!

Not that I'm in a hurry for Daniel to grow up, seeing as we only just met each other, but there is some remarkable stuff inside of him (layered in between the boundary-pushing and the smart mouth!) and I can't wait to see what kind of a man he grows into.