and a little philosophizing

I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging after such drama...but life goes on, and I haven't had much time on the computer lately.  Anyway, we are all back to normal.  This actually was Daniel's second big outburst since he has been in our family, but I didn't blog about the first one because the evidences of hurts past were a little too obvious for comfort, and it just felt like an invasion of his privacy to describe it.  The last time, he had had a rotten day at school, came home feeling horrible, and pretty much forced the conflict as a way of dumping all his bad feelings and getting some relief.  (He told me this later.)  This time, he just thought I was being unfair to take his computer privileges away, and reacted in righteous indignation.  And, you know what?  If I had just told him that he wouldn't get to use his computer if he didn't go in his room, he probably would have gone in his room and the whole blow-up would never have happened.  And that makes me sad.  Because I don't want him to listen to me just because I have bigger artillery than he does.  I want him to listen to me because I'm his mama.  Not just another female caregiver who can't control him when he loses his temper (and boy, does he have some stories about that!).  His mama, who wants what is best for him, who keeps him safe, and teaches him, and would fight for him.  And how is he supposed to believe I can do all that if I can't even get one skinny teenage boy to take a time-out when I ask?

So, that's how I feel.  What I know is, that's a lot to ask of a seven month relationship.  I wish it weren't so, but one of the hard parts of adopting an older child is that everything is long-term, even while your time until your child grows up is limited.  So much as I hate calling in Dad for reinforcement, or answering questions about what I would do if Daniel does X (e.g. "What would you do if I hit you?"), it's going to take some time to get to where I know we can be.  (And yes, I know he's a teenager and they're wired to become independent...but if this teenager is young enough emotionally that he still needs me to help him pick out his clothes in the morning and to tuck him in at night, he is still young enough to need me to be in charge.)  I do think we're going in the right direction.  I have seen Daniel make progress in handling frustration, anxiety and anger.  He has made some progress in respecting my boundaries, and even a little in talking to me respectfully.  He even told me once, "I like you because you don't let me do anything."  I thought at first I must have mis-heard, so I asked him what in the world he meant and he said that he knows I care about him because I teach him to do good things and don't let him do bad things.  And a couple days after this last outburst, when he was talking to a former orphanage "teacher" on the phone, I overheard him say something along the lines of, "In the orphanage, it didn't really matter whether I listened to you or not," and a little later, "I think I'm much more good now than in the past."  So maybe he is assimilating this whole family expectations thing better than it felt like on Friday.

For Daniel's part, he has had plenty to say about how unreasonable it is to take away a kid's most favorite thing for discipline.  He agreed that it wasn't any worse than hitting a kid, but it wasn't clear that he thought it was much better!  He said that when he has kids, if they do something wrong he won't hit them or take things away from them, he will just tell them that what they did was wrong and leave it at that.  Like many parents of teenagers, I'm looking forward to reminding him of that someday!