Three months

Our sweet Joel boy is three months old today!  He sure has changed a lot in the past two months. 

His second month was all about communication.  He went from occasionally cooing and smiling to very deliberately catching someone's eye (especially mine) and grinning all over his face and cooing at them in an attempt to start a "conversation."  And he does love an audience.  A couple of weeks ago I had taken him out of our small group at church because he was fussing, and I was holding him in the lobby when one of the other groups got out.  Four or five ladies converged on us to make much of him, and pretty soon he was wreathed in smiles and cooing back at them.  I'm sure his grandparents will be pleased to know that I checked the baby books and he is a precocious cooer!  He is already producing sounds that 90% of babies his age haven't mastered yet.  However, lest I get big-headed, most babies are laughing by three months, and Joel didn't laugh for the first time until two days ago.  The cardboard sign Esther had laid on his tummy ("To Mommy Frum Esther") fell into his mouth and apparently he found that funny?  Meanwhile, Tim's and my attempts to tickle him under his chin or blow raspberries on his tummy are met with blank stares.  I guess we're just not as entertaining as his sister! 

During Joel's second month, he also confirmed his suspicions that people pay attention when he cries and try to fix whatever is wrong.  So now whenever he is wet, or hungry, or tired, or just wants to be picked up...we get to hear alllll about it!  Although he can't figure out why I don't rescue him from his car seat.  He will stare me in the eye while wailing, as if to say, "It's your job to fix this!  How come you aren't getting the message that I need OUT?!?"  Interestingly, his cries became less specific during his second month.  When he was a newborn we could always tell when he was hungry.  First he would bob his head against the chest of whoever was holding him (earning him the nickname "red-headed woodpecker" from Tim), or turn his head and mouth their arm.  Then if he progressed to crying, it would be a soft "eh-eh-eh" cry, progressing to a louder "unh-unh" cry and only then to a flat-out wail.  But now when he is hungry he just fusses or cries and sometimes it takes some trial and error to realize that he wants to be fed.

We went through a period in his second month where he was really fussy almost every late afternoon and evening.  While waiting for his two-month doctor appointment, Esther and I made up the following song (to the tune of "Starship" by Nicki Minaj which, no, I don't encourage my children to listen to): "Babies were made to cry, they fuss and fuss and you don't know why.  Check their diaper to see if it's dry, but don't stick a diaper pin in their thigh."  It wasn't colic, because we could usually calm him down with a change of scenery or endless carrying.  And I didn't think he had any dire health problems, since he was always happy in the mornings.  But it was rather worrisome, not to mention a nuisance.  Finally, we figured out the cause: he wasn't getting enough sleep!  I had always thought that little babies automatically fell asleep when they were tired.  Well, not this one!  He has always been a good sleeper at night (usually), but he can't seem to stay asleep during the day unless someone is holding him or lying down next to him.  So I started making it a priority to get him to stay asleep for naps, and since then we have had a much happier baby.

If Joel's second month was about communication, his third month was about expanding horizons.  He learned how to get his fingers in his mouth on purpose, and started interacting with toys.  He spent even more time than before people-watching, and we noticed that he seemed to be able to see people and objects from farther away.  He will now make eye contact and smile at me from four or five feet away, and one day when my family were visiting recently he was tracking my brother (who was wearing a brightly colored shirt) walk across the yard from at least thirty feet away.   With all these new things to learn and do, maybe it's not too surprising that he's not a fan of sleep!

And speaking of sleep, I had better start my own sleep for the night so I can be ready for my first wake-up call from a hungry baby.  Hopefully as life starts to feel a little more sane I'll be able to write an update on Daniel and Esther too.  They aren't changing quite as fast as their little brother, but they still have interesting things going on in their lives.  'Til then...

One month

Joel is one month old today!  And as I told Tim this morning, you know your expectations have changed when a total of seven and a half hours of sleep spread out over four separate installments feels like being rested!  But we are slowly settling in with our newest family member.

We have a night-time routine, sort of.  Bedtime is at approximately nine; Joel wakes up twice during the night for about an hour each time (he's a slow eater!), and then is up for the day at six-ish, though it can be later or can be as early as five.  Daytime is more spontaneous.  But we can count on Joel to nurse frequently while he is awake (some days it feels like that's all we do!), to have one or two stretches of deep sleep plus lots of catnaps, to have a period of contented alertness in the morning, and often to have a period of fussiness in the afternoon.

I have gotten a few smiles, real ones directed at me, not just the little sleep smiles that we saw when he was a newborn.  They light up his whole face!  He also coos when he is content and not eating.  His head doesn't bobble quite so much now when I carry him, and he likes to gaze at faces.  What he does not like is to be put down by himself.  Now he won't even sleep alone for a nap.  No matter how deeply asleep he may be when I put him down, as soon as he reaches his next period of light sleep he realizes that he is by himself and wakes up.  So much for my vision of teaching Esther during his long afternoon nap.  Instead, we do most of our lessons with me sitting on the floor next to her nursing him (a firm pillow helps a lot here, as it frees up my hands!), or with him sleeping on my chest.  And somewhat to my surprise, it has been working out really well!  We've done two days of second grade so far, and we were able to accomplish my goals for the day both times.  I was congratulating myself on how well we've adapted...and then Esther reminded me that in a few months he will be mobile.  Sigh.  This school year is going to be a test of everyone's flexibility!

The most amazing thing about Joel at this age is that he can make predictions about my behaviour, and he trusts me.   If he is hungry and I take him to the chair I usually nurse him in, he will often stop crying and wait hopefully while I get my clothes adjusted.  It boggles my mind that he trusts me so much to give him what he needs that he can stop crying from the need and instead act as if it has already been met.  (And, oh, he is so cute while he waits!  His eyes get big, his mouth makes a little 'O,' and he gazes at me with rapt attention and the most hopeful expression you can imagine--it's hilarious and adorable.)

Speaking of hilarious, Esther has produced some good quotes in the last month.  She has always been prone to spoonerisms (e.g. saying dullbozer for bulldozer).  (One time we were carrying trays in McDonalds and she suddenly stopped and announced, as one discovering a catastrophe, "Mommy, we forgot the check-up!"  I was racking my brains to think what doctor's appointment we might have missed when it suddenly occurred to me that we had neglected to pick up any ketchup.)  Lately she has added malapropisms to her repertoire.  The first time she saw Joel, she exclaimed, "He has dimples [pimples] on his nose!  He looks like a fruit!"  A few days later we had to take him back to the hospital lab for a blood draw and he was getting fussy.  She suggested, "Mommy, you should juggle him to calm him down."  (She meant jiggle.)  Then there was the Sunday that she asked me if I had had to milk Joel during church.

On the whole, Esther is adjusting well to sharing me with her new brother.  She complains some that he is getting more attention than she is, and in an attempt to claim her fair share of the attention she likes to hang around while I'm feeding him and ask me continuously to "Watch this!"--"this" usually being some gymnastics move that is not ideally suited to being performed in my bedroom.  She has also indulged in a little baby talk, but less than I might have expected.  On the other hand, she clearly adores her baby brother, and is always asking if she can hold him or play with him.  She can be very helpful entertaining him for a few minutes when I need two hands to get something done.

Daniel, too, has risen to the occasion.  He has actually been consistently polite to me for the past month!  And he has had a wonderful attitude about helping out when asked.  He also is good at holding and entertaining his baby brother.  I don't think he's been quite sure what to do with the time and energy he would normally spend aggravating me, so instead he's been watching way too much Youtube.  (He has, at least, learned some things from all the videos.)  Today I nursed Joel in the living room and Daniel sat on the couch with me and we talked and looked at some videos together.  I had to remind him a few times about appropriate comments and touch, but it felt good to spend normal time together.  Hopefully we will have more and more such times as we get adjusted to our "new normal" as a family.

Introducing...

Joel David, our precious (and unexpected!) gift from God!  

Joel arrived on July 9 at 11:34 PM, 6 pounds and 13 ounces and twenty and a half inches long.

 

Joel's siblings approve of him, for the most part.  Esther decided yesterday to start a journal about him.  She titled it the "Joel Love Book," and her first entry read, "He is cute and a little bit annoying but I love him."  Daniel has gotten some great pictures (of course!).  Both kids have enjoyed playing with him, though I'm sure both of them wish I spent less time feeding him and more time doing things with them!

And, of course, Tim and I are in love.  Tim has dubbed him "Joel Joy."  So far he is a contented baby who spends much of his awake time looking quietly around and only cries if he is hungry, getting his diaper changed, or doesn't feel good...or if we try to lay him down!  Daniel commented today on how much less he cries than the babies in the orphanage, and I pointed out that they were not held all the time like Joel is.  After two adoptions, it is poignant to experience "Attachment, Plan A" with this child.  Even in his first few hours of life Joel seemed to know the difference between me and others.  He could be fussing or upset from some procedure that had been done on him, but he would calm down immediately when he was given back to me, and was content to just lie next to me.  I'm used to having to earn that kind of trust from my children.  (Well, I suppose carrying him around inside me for nine months counts towards earning trust, but it feels like I just met him.)  And I was surprised how comfortable I felt handling him.  I've always felt awkward with other people's newborns and I expected to feel the same with my own, but I feel very much at ease with him.  It's hard to imagine that instinctive bond being broken for Daniel and Esther when they were just around Joel's age.  Whoever described adoption as "a redemptive response to a tragedy" had it right.

But meanwhile, I'm thankful that it is within our ability to love and care for this little one.  And we are treasuring his newborn-baby-ness: his expressive little face (especially a certain ferocious pout), the way he smiles secretly in his sleep when he has a full tummy, the way he grunts and squirms his way over to one of us and snuggles right into our side to sleep if we lay him down on our bed, the way he lies quietly and looks all around.  We are blessed!

Happy Family Day, Esther

So, um, yeah...today is not actually Esther's Family Day.  In fact, it happened back in April!  But she deserves her own post, and late is better than never.

Her choice of family fun activity this year, as last year, was swimming at an indoor pool.  We gave her the option of doing it with just our family or of going at a time when Princess and Little Guy were with us.  She thought about it, and decided that she could get more parental attention if Princess and Little Guy were not there.  So we went swimming at a time when they had a Mommy visit.  It made our swimming time a little shorter than it might have been, but we all had fun.  (Personally, I really enjoyed the feeling of having my belly buoyed up by the water instead of being pulled down by gravity!  And the kids enjoyed that I could give them piggy-back rides in the pool, which I had not felt up to doing in the air for some months.)  You can tell from the pictures what Esther thought about her swimming time:

And Daniel continues to make progress in his swimming skills!

On our way home, Esther requested that we eat dinner out as part of her Family Day celebration.  So after we were reunited with Princess and Little Guy, we went out to Bob Evans (her choice).  All the kids enjoyed that!

On a sweet side note, Esther's prayers recently have frequently featured thankfulness that she has a mommy and a daddy.  I don't know if Princess and Little Guy's situation has made her think more about family or whether it's due to our impending baby or to something else entirely, but it's definitely a topic that has been on her mind.  The other day she was praying before bed and thanked God specifically that she was adopted by us because "otherwise I might not have known this family."  Her thankfulness doesn't negate the fact that she was denied growing up in her first family, and she has the right to feel about that however she wishes as she continues to understand it better, but for now I'm glad that she's glad to be in our family.  We are sure glad that we get to know her and love her and watch her grow up!

Happy Family Day, Daniel!

Three years ago today, we met Daniel for the first time.  We walked into our hotel, about half an hour before we were supposed to meet our guide/translator, hoping we could get into our room and get Esther down for a much-needed nap before our son arrived.  And then I looked over to the side of the lobby, and there he was.  It didn't seem quite right to pretend I hadn't seen him (though I was tempted!), so I walked over and nervously said hi to him and the orphanage staff member who had brought him.  He was friendly and anxious to make himself helpful, although he had some odd mannerisms (like randomly jumping up in the air and clapping his hands!).  I hoped the mannerisms were just nerves and I was right, as they were gone by the next morning, although some hyperactivity and the need to physically handle e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. in his environment were to linger for months.

Those are a few of my memories of the day.  At the time, of course, I could only guess at what Daniel might be thinking and feeling.  Three years later, he has told me some things about his experience of that day.

Whether to lessen his period of potential anxiety or to prevent the chance of his being devastated if we didn't come after all, the orphanage did not tell Daniel he was going to be adopted until June 11--two days before he became part of our family.  They had hinted to him three months before that that they might have a family for him, but he had been skeptical, and anyway, they had not said more about it.  So the news came as something of a shock!  It also meant he didn't get to say some of his good-byes, as many of his older friends were already working or studying elsewhere and were not at the orphanage during the two days when he knew he was going to be leaving.  He didn't get to visit foster family members who lived outside of the orphanage, either.  So he spent a lot of his first afternoon with us using QQ on our laptop, informing various friends and acquaintances that he was being adopted and going to America. 

I asked him recently if he had even wanted to be adopted at that point in his life.  He has told me about an episode when he was ten, when he was recording music at a mentor's house.  When it was time to return to the orphanage he started crying and insisted that he didn't want to go back.  His mentor asked why, and Daniel told him that he wanted a family of his own and didn't want to go back to his orphanage life.  (This was about the time the orphanage submitted his file for adoption; I have wondered if his mentor pushed them to do that.)  On the other hand, Daniel had also mentioned to me once that right before he found out he was to be adopted, he had been looking forward to being the new "top dog" among the kids at the orphanage, as many of the kids a few years older than he were leaving for jobs or further education.  So I suspected that the news that he was suddenly leaving for a new life complete with a set of strangers as his new family might not have been entirely welcome.  And I was right.  He came to us willingly, but he said that it was not necessarily his first choice, he "just do what I supposed to be do and leave the orphanage."  He told his friend that he didn't want to leave, but his friend pointed out that we had already come for him, so he couldn't not leave.  His friend encouraged him that he would have a better life with us, and Daniel agreed that it was likely so.  He says that by the time he met us he was feeling excited that he wouldn't have to go back to the orphanage.  He had seen a few kids sent back to the orphanage during the first 24 hours before the adoption was finalized because their new parents were overwhelmed by their behavior, so he worried a little bit about whether we would sign the paperwork the next day and he tried hard to be "good."

And while adoption is not for the faint of heart among parents, it is even more a leap off a cliff for kids!  Daniel is glad to be in a family, and we are very blessed that from the beginning he wanted to identify with us and to make this family thing work.  But he will tell you that coming to a new country is not easy.  The language has not been easy, the culture has not been easy, education has definitely not been easy, and even learning to be a "family kid" instead of an "orphanage kid" has had its challenges.  Sometimes--oftentimes--life here is just plain hard.  There are so many new things to learn, there are higher (and sometimes confusing) expectations to meet, and every new opportunity to succeed is also an opportunity to feel like a failure.  But, knowing what we know now, if we and he had the choice to make over again, we would choose to be family again in a heartbeat.

And while we gave him family, he has given us humor, passion and exuberance.

He can look normal, too.  I promise!

These pictures were taken at youth group activities last summer:

So, today, we celebrate.  We gave Daniel the choice of what to do, as we do with both kids on their Family Days.  At first he wanted to go shopping in another city to investigate possibilities for his birthday present.  But then he figured out what he wanted and we went ahead and got it while it was on sale, so shopping lost its appeal.  Then he got excited about the possibility of going to a Go-Kart track...but we couldn't find one in the area.  So we settled on eating good food and taking our periodic trip to another town to get Asian groceries.  We will do the shopping and the eating out at Red Robin tomorrow, while our extra kids are having their first long Mommy visit of their transition home.  Meanwhile, I made Daniel's favorite noodles for dinner, and he has been happily working on a plumbing project all evening.  It's unfortunate that, like every other home improvement we tackle, it turned out to be more complicated than expected.  He would probably be perfectly content to stay up till midnight working, but some of us are thinking of our beds!  However, it will be nice to have the faucet in the hall bathroom no longer dripping, and we are proud of Daniel's good plumbing skills and the pleasure he takes in problem-solving.

Happy Family Day, Daniel!  We're glad you're in our family.

PHEW! (we hope)

Well, things seem to be on track for Princess and Little Guy's family.  Their mom is doing great right now, and at the most recent meeting of all the people involved in the case, everyone agreed that it is time to start moving the kids back home.  I know Little Guy has been waiting for this day.  I was a little concerned that Princess has expressed only positive feelings about staying here, even as the stay has gone on much longer than she was told at first.  But last night when I told her that they will get an overnight visit this weekend, she whispered, "Finally!"  So I know they are both on board, as is their mom.  :-)

After the meeting (which was last week), I stopped worrying about their next court hearing, which I understood would just rubber-stamp the unanimous recommendation from lawyers, social workers and other providers that Mom get three more months of supervision and then get full custody back at the court hearing after that.  Apparently, it was not quite so simple.  Our social worker called afterwards to tell us how it went, and she said the judge talked for a while like he was going to terminate Mom's parental rights just because of the time frame.  Our county does NOT let cases drag on as long as this one has, which is a good law made for good reasons but probably not the best one to apply in this specific case.  In the end, after giving everyone a proper scare, he did agree to another three-month improvement period for Mom, with the caveat that she cannot mess up in any way during that time or she will lose custody of the kids.  So we are going to be praying for the next three months that nothing happens!  She has had her issues, but she dearly loves her kids and tries hard to do her best for them, and I think they would experience more trauma from losing that relationship than from whatever junk they will be exposed to through that relationship.  I have to admit that I have more specific concerns for the kids' future this time than I did last time they went back, because I know what things happened in the interim, and it's likely that some will happen again.  But at the same time, I think she will be able to give her kids a better childhood than what she had, and hopefully things will keep improving each generation.  She just started parenting really young, with few resources, spotty support and no healthy role models, and of course it's been a learning curve...but she really wants to learn, and that makes a difference!

AND, we are excited that Mom has agreed in principle to let us formally mentor the kids after they go back home!  Our agency has a mentoring program in addition to their many other programs, and they are going to let us refer the kids to that program and then sign up to be their mentors ourselves.  So unless Mom suddenly changes her mind once she has full custody back, we will get to continues the relationship.  I think that will be good for both families.

Meanwhile, we still have the kids for a few weeks.  We had initially thought they would go home right after their court hearing, so we're scrambling to get ready for Baby while parenting two extra little ones through the end of the month.  This week we put both girls in gymnastics camp and continued Little Guy in daycare, so we have the mornings to work (or blog!) in peace.  I'm loving it!!  We've noticed, though, that we're going to have to give the girls some time apart soon, as Esther is getting progressively crabbier.  She loves Princess dearly, but she still needs her one-on-one Mommy and Daddy time.  On the whole, though, we're doing well and feeling blessed.  Just not bored!  Ha.  :-)

Surprise!

After Princess and Little Guy went home last time, we decided that we were not going to foster this year.  Partly, our experience parenting them (and our kids' experience having them as siblings for six months and then saying good-bye) had been pretty intense, and we wanted some uncomplicated time to just be family by ourselves.  Partly, I knew that I was going to need time to focus on Esther's homeschool in order to have a successful year.  Partly, Daniel was starting high school and we didn't know what challenges that might bring or what it would require of our time and involvement, but we wanted to be able to be there for him.  So we were all in agreement that a year off was the right thing for our family.

But, me being me, I ran across some information on a young man with albinism living in a Chinese orphanage who reminded me a LOT of Daniel and who had a little less than a year to be adopted before he aged out, and I started thinking how well it would work out if we spent our "year off" doing paperwork and then traveled to get him in the summer.  I mentioned him to Daniel, and Daniel was open to the idea of adding another teen to the family.  I mentioned him to Tim, who was not so sure.  He just didn't feel like now was the time.  So I went back to praying for a family for this young man, whether it was us or not.  And as it turned out...Tim was right.  (You thought I was going to say that Tim had an epiphany and we're now about to adopt again, didn't you??)

As has happened so often in our process of building our family...God had a little surprise in store.

The picture didn't turn out as dramatically as I hoped it would, but in real life I am most definitely pregnant.  For the first time.  At age 37.  Yes, "surprise" is the way to describe it!

So, the stats:  We are expecting a boy, due to arrive on July 12th (or at any rate, sometime during the five-week window around that date that is considered "term").  He appears to be developing healthily.  I have also had a pretty uneventful pregnancy, for which I'm grateful, especially now that I have extra little ones to chase!  These pictures were taken about a month ago, so my tummy is bigger now...kind of bowling ball-ish.

It is a change to be anticipating diapers...and interrupted nights...and planning our schedules around naptime again...at a time when we were thinking we were done with babies.  But, every child is a blessing, and we are certainly blessed to be anticipating the arrival of number three! 

And as for the young man I prayed for?  Well, after praying for him nearly daily for months, I was thrilled to find out that he has been matched with a family!  And not only him, but two other Chinese teen boys with albinism who also age out this summer have been found by their families as well.

So, we are looking forward with unmixed thankfulness to our new adventure, and to seeing how this little one's life and personality unfold.

I'll leave you with a couple of pictures of our other kids that were taken during the same photo shoot.  In a couple months (if we're not too exhausted to post anything!), we'll have baby pictures to share, but in the meantime, there's plenty of personality to go around!

(back to) our new normal

It has been almost a month that Princess and Little Guy have been back.  It's almost time to turn in paperwork that I really don't have time to fill out.  We've done doctor appointments...gotten replacement glasses for Princess...started counseling...have dental appointments for both kids on Monday and a follow-up doctor appointment for Little Guy on Friday.  The bus has started picking Princess up for school.  (She is out of district, but because this is already her fourth school of the year, the judge put his foot down and ordered the school to transport her rather than letting her be moved again.  So she is getting door-to-door service from her school's special ed bus, which is great except that she is the first pick up of the morning and the last drop off of the afternoon.  I have to get up at six to have her ready, and she isn't back until 3:30.)  Little Guy will start partial-day daycare on Monday, because homeschooling Esther with a three-year-old in the same room demanding attention just wasn't working too well.  Thankfully, we found out that he had been attending a daycare shortly before he came to us, and he will be able to go back to the same one.  The kids have begun regularly scheduled visits and phone calls with their mom, which are going well.  And we are back in our old routines.  It has been really nice that the kids are already familiar with "how we do things in this house," and have slid right back into our family habits.

Emotionally, we have been through some adjustments.  There was one week that the kids took turns acting up.  First was Princess being whiny and pouty and stubborn.  The next day Little Guy seemed to be hitting, biting or cussing every time I turned around (he really only knows one bad phrase, but it is a terrible one).  And the third day Esther was snitty to Princess, gave me some serious attitude, and topped it all off with a screaming, thrashing meltdown because (horror of horrors!) I made her put on long pajama pants after a twenty-minute search failed to turn up the shorts she had her heart set on.  After that things settled down a bit, although Little Guy continued to have episodes where he seemed to be trying to be naughty--he would repeatedly hit me or one of the girls or cuss at us while smiling, and did not respond to time-outs.  I got really, really tired both of disciplining these episodes and of trying to predict and avoid them.  Then one day recently while in the middle of a time-out he announced that he was ready to go back to his mommy's house.  Tim had hypothesized earlier that maybe he somehow felt that he had caused his removal by being naughty and thought that he could get moved again by being naughty...which I know is a common thought process for kids his age...so just in case, I explained to him that going back to his mommy's house depended on his mommy getting everything ready and the judge saying that it was time, and that no matter how good or how naughty he was, he couldn't make himself go back.  Since then, we've had several days where he has been his normal, sweet self--he'll still act out when frustrated, but in age-appropriate fashion.  We did have a little episode at bedtime tonight, but I'm hopeful that most of it is behind us.  Time will tell.  Meanwhile, Esther and Princess seem to be more settled with each other than they were this time last year.  It helps that, between Princess's school schedule and Esther's gymnastics schedule, there are times each week where I can interact with one of them while the other is not home.  They both love to pretend, and it has been...interesting...to overhear the themes they come up with.  They've acted out family tragedies ("Pretend I was run over by a car, and when you got to the hospital I was dead and you cried"), dysfunctional families (Little Guy, normally so sweet and nurturing, can be a really mean daddy to a naughty baby), and "boyfriend," which generally involves the two girls commiserating about how annoying and stupid their boyfriends are.  Lately they've been spending more time playing "puppy" or "baby," which I feel happier about!  Today they spent a long time whipping up fancy pretend meals in a restaurant, and later they made mud pies.  Daniel, meanwhile, has discovered that it's possible to hang out with friends outside of school, and has abruptly begun spending more time at friends' houses than at home.  It's been like going from a preschool phase (where he really just wanted to be home with us) to an adolescent phase without anything in between.  We're glad he has friends and is discovering a social life outside of home, but I was happy that he stayed home today and that we found some fun things to do as a family.

As best I can tell, the kids' mom is doing well.  So I'm hopeful they will be able to go back home in early June.  I do hope that we can continue our relationship with their family after they go back home.  I think that would be a good thing for everyone.  We have now gotten to meet their mom a couple of times, and I talk with her on the phone briefly when the kids call her.  So I feel like we are building a little bit of a relationship.  All these uncertainties are hard...but we do love the kids.  No matter what happens, they will always be special to us.

Unexpected visitors

For a variety of reasons we had not planned on fostering at all this year, except for helping other families out with respite care.

But on Friday I got a call from the social worker of our beloved Princess and Little Guy.  She was on her way to check on a situation in their family, and she was afraid that they might have to come back into care.  Would we be willing to take them?  I was pretty sure I knew the answer, because Tim and I have talked many times about how we love them and wanted to be a resource to them if they ever needed us again in the future.  I made a quick phone call to Tim at work to confirm, and then was able to tell their social worker that, yes, even though it is not an ideal time for us, we just couldn't see putting them through going to strangers when we had beds for them at our house.  At this point we knew nothing, not the situation, nor how long we might expect to have them for.  For all we knew, we could have been getting them permanently...or we could have gotten a call that things were not that bad after all and we weren't needed.

It turned out that the concerns about their living situation were significant, though not unfixable, and much sooner than we could get our house ready for them, they arrived.  We were told they might be with us for a few weeks.  The move had been presented to Princess as an extended sleepover (apparently she has been asking for a sleepover with us for months), so she was beyond ecstatic.  Little Guy was confused, and went non-verbal on us (something he has done when under stress for as long as we have known him).  But both of the kids had a grand time playing with Esther, and all went well until bedtime, when Little Guy cried big crocodile tears and managed to whisper, "I want Mommy," while Princess and Esther whispered and giggled and tossed and turned and took two solid hours to get to sleep!  Princess wanted to know if she was going home the next day, and we had to explain that this visit was going to be longer than what she was expecting.  She was fine with that.

Saturday I got to do my first ever lice treatment on Princess's luxuriant hair, and we took the kids to a McDonald's with a play place, followed by a trip to buy clothes.  The Department had given us vouchers, which we didn't spend much of because the store had already removed all the cooler-weather items that we need right now, and there didn't seem to be much point in buying an extensive summer wardrobe if they were going to be leaving again before May.  So now I'm doing frequent laundry, especially since half the pants we bought for Little Guy are too big, and Princess (we now discover) is no longer "into" pants and insists that none of the ones we bought fit, even though she tried them on in the store.  Argh.

Anyway, by the end of the day Saturday we were pretty much back on our old footing.  The three younger kids are calling each other Sissy and Bubby and calling us Mommy and Daddy; the girls are constantly tattling on somebody, usually one of their brothers; Daniel is irked with both girls but quite fond of Little Guy, who reciprocates the feeling; and our house is a mess.

Despite the work, noise, and tiredness, we are loving getting to see the kids again.  Princess seems more settled and mature, and Little Guy amazes us with how much he can talk!  He was barely stringing words together when he left, and now he is talking in complete sentences with correct pronouns and singing "Jingle bells, Batman smells."  He is still hard to understand because of his pronunciation, but the development in grammar and vocabulary is impressive!  And, he is easier to care for now because he doesn't get into quite as many things and has a longer attention span.  It seems like both kids have been doing well in the time since we last saw them.

But, the issues that led to them coming back into care still need to be resolved.  And the latest news (after a meeting between the kids' mom and all the professionals involved with their case) is that we are not going to have them for a couple of weeks, but a couple of months, until their next court hearing.  At that point, if issues have been resolved (which is the likely scenario, as their mom really was doing well with them for most of the time since they left our care), then they will go back home.  If not...there are laws intended to limit the amount of time children can spend in limbo while their parents partially get their act together, and this case is pushing the limits of that time frame.  We have been asked whether we would consider adopting them if it came to that.

So, a lot is riding on the next couple of months.  I feel for the kids' mom, because whatever her other issues are, she really, truly loves her kids, and they are very bonded to her.  And she is going through a really hard time right now where she doesn't feel well physically, isn't getting much emotional support, and has some significant practical hurdles to deal with (like lack of transportation) that would make it challenging to do what she needs to do even if she felt up to it.  So it's hard to think too badly of her even if she isn't able to do what needs to be done in the next two months...but at the same time, there will no doubt be other times during the kids' childhood when things are hard for her, and if she's not able to overcome these hardships now, who's to say that she'll be able to consistently do so in the future? 

So it's been an emotional rollercoaster for us.  We've gone from thinking maybe this would be forever...to two or three weeks...to several months...or possibly forever after all, but probably just till June.  And while we're thrilled to be reunited with the kids, it is hard to see Little Guy cry for his mommy every night, and we certainly don't want them (or their mother) to experience the devastation they would feel if that relationship were to be legally severed.

Prayers are appreciated. 

Spring has sprung! (maybe)

And now it's nearing the end of March.  In the last week and a half we've had several days with glorious sunshine and temperatures in the sixties...and two days with snow and/or ice on the ground.  Next week will be more of the same.  But the warm days are a welcome change from our cold, cold winter, and Esther and I have spotted crocuses in bloom!  Nothing in our yard is blooming yet, but the daffodils may be out by the end of the month.  (In contrast, three springs ago the daffodils were almost done by now and the forsythia and cherry blossoms were out.)

It feels appropriate for spring that we've all been getting new clothes.  We drove up to my grandma's house during Tim's spring break a couple of weeks ago and I scored big at a consignment sale.  Tim, meanwhile, got a tip from Grandma about a Sears that was going out of business, and picked up several pairs of much-needed new dress pants at a good discount.  Esther has been gifted hand-me-downs from three different friends recently that will probably get her through all of next year.  And I picked up some shirts for Daniel (as well as a few more for me) for just $3 on clearance at Wal-Mart.  Can you tell I enjoy bargains?  ;-)  I've been acquiring another batch of new clothes that I'm pretty excited about too, but I'll write more about that later!

In random news, the kids moved our little trampoline (the kind designed to be used for an exercise program) upstairs a few weeks ago and it ended up in the middle of the kitchen.  I've decided to leave it there.  Now, Daniel jumps up and down on the trampoline while talking to me instead of poking me while talking to me.  And Esther jumps up and down on the trampoline instead of running in circles through the kitchen (yes, she can carry on a normal conversation while running in circles).

This week, our library had a free showing of the movie Frozen on a big screen.  We all went as a family.  It was the first time for any of us to see it.  Esther has been talking about it for months, so we knew she would be thrilled.  But Daniel seemed to really enjoy it too.  He and Esther had previously watched the song "Let It Go" on Youtube, so when we got to that part in the movie, Tim and I could hear Daniel joining in on the refrain!  Fortunately, he did not belt it out like he probably would have at home! 

Daniel's latest exploit is spending nearly two hours on the line with his cellphone service provider, patiently but persistently insisting that they set right a problem with his account.  He finally got passed to a manager, who was able to do what he asked.  We were impressed with his phone skills, and that he didn't lose his temper at any point!

As you can tell from the story above, Daniel's conversational English keeps getting better and better.  He has some characteristic mispronunciations, though, that I hope to remember once he has outgrown them, because they are kind of endearing.  He often talks about his "mometer" (computer monitor), tells Esther not to "whisker" (whisper) at the table, and frequently exclaims, "That's bediculous!" (ridiculous).  He also "deactivates" electronics instead of activating them.

Oh, and Esther's presentation on Louis Braille (topic of my last post) went fine.  She got really nervous ahead of time, held a sit-down strike about going, and cried her way through dinner.  But when the time came, she "pushed through it" (to use her own words) and was really proud of herself.  However, she gave a very vigorous refusal to an offer to participate in a science fair.  I would have signed her up without asking, except that after a numerous snow days, Louis Braille, and standardized testing (which is coming up in a couple of weeks), I'm ready for a stretch of normalcy before the end of the school year!  I find it interesting, though, that our little extrovert has a phobia about performing in public.  We have seen that this year in her reaction to gymnastics competitions and the idea of testing, as well as the history and science projects.  She may be one of those people who will never love being in front of an audience, but I hope we can help her learn public performance survival skills sooner rather than later.

Daniel has applied for a job at our local grocery store, but won't hear back unless they have an opening in the area that he requested.

And that's a snapshot of what's going on in our lives as this spring creeps in.

Just had to do a little bragging

Esther is working on a history(?) project with our homeschool group.  She has to research a famous person, do a report and poster on that person, and then answer questions about her person in character.  Somewhat to my surprise, she chose Louis Braille.  The following is her report, as dictated to me.  I started out by asking her what she would tell someone about Louis Braille if they didn't know anything about him.  After that I mostly just prompted her with, "And then what happened?" along with a few clarification questions.  I was really impressed with the amount of detail she remembered and with her organization!  There are a couple of significant events missing, as well as no mention of dates or ages, but for a first-grader I think this is pretty good!  She had me read the essay over to her several times, and had her own ideas about where she wanted to change the wording or add information.  We are working on it more today to fill in some details she couldn't remember the first time around (that's what the brackets are there for) and to make it a little more complete.  

It's intriguing to me that Esther is such a natural at what I would consider higher-order thinking skills, while basic phonics and addition facts have been a year-long struggle.  So I'm glad we can do a project like this that builds on her strengths.  The presentation will take place this Saturday, and she is not looking forward to it at all--in fact, she has been asking me to cancel!  But I think she will do fine, and hopefully it will be a good memory.

Louis Braille

      Louis Braille had a very hard life. He punched himself in the eye with an awl. His mom and dad came running for him. The doctor came running fast. He kept rubbing his eye into the other eye, and he got an infection which made him blind. He said, “When is morning going to be here?” Everyone hated that question because he was blind.

      Nobody said, “Watch out, Louis Braille!” and nobody said “Louis Braille, stop!” One time his father made him a cane out of wood. He used echoes and songs to “see” if he was going to bump into something.

      One time a new pastor came and his name was Father Palluy. Father Palluy asked if Louis wanted to come to the church so the Father could teach him lessons. On some days they did Bible stories and on some days Louis learned to recognize bird sounds.

      Father Palluy sent a letter to the Royal Institute for Blind Youth. It was time to tell the Braille family that there was an institute for the blind. And Louis's father had a lot of questions. He said he was thinking about it. Louis begged to go, and his father finally said yes. The stage coach came and Louis was going on the stage coach with his father. He was happy. He went down an old lonesome road and he saw the Royal Institute for Blind Youth in Paris. His mother sent treats with him, but the next day they were stolen. The other students at the Institute thought it was fun to trick him into going into a closet. He had mixed feelings about being at the Institute. But he was happy, but nervous.

      At the Institute, Louis learned piano lessons and other musical instruments. He learned to make things with his hands, like slippers. He also learned school classes, like arithmetic.

Captain Barbier came to the Institute. He thought Night Writing would be a good lesson, but it wasn't helpful at all. Louis thought there must be a better way. He was determined to improve Night Writing. It took three years, but he finally found a way, punching dots with a stylus, which was like an awl. He showed his alphabet to the other students. They said, “We want to see what you have written for us.” Everyone decided, “That is incredible!”

      Louis invited other people to use his alphabet. [ ]

      Louis became a teacher at the Institute. Then he got tuberculosis. [ ] His students had to lean forward to hear him because his voice was so weak. His cough got worse. The doctor told him that sometimes walking in the air helps. His friends packed up his bags.

      [IOU box] Louis's cough got worse and worse. Finally he closed his eyes for the last time and then he was dead.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Life with a kid can be a roller coaster.  Especially if that kid is a teen.  For some reason (maybe all the togetherness resulting from WAY too many snow days!), lately I've been noticing how many little ups and downs there are in life with Daniel.  Some, I'm sure, are typical of all teens; others, not so much.  (And the ones that are atypical are not necessarily bad...just...different!)

So, without further ado, some vignettes of the ugly, the bad and the good.

The ugly:

One evening Daniel was mildly displeased with me about something, and demonstrated his displeasure by blowing in my face from less than ten inches away.  (Mind you, he gets righteously offended at Esther for blowing in his direction, even if she's several feet away!)  I told him to quit.  He grinned, and proceeded to blow in my face at every opportunity for the rest of the evening.  I have a feeling that that kind of behavior is normal for an ornery child at some developmental stage--but I'm pretty sure that that developmental stage is not older teenager! 

The bad:

A couple of years ago, we went through months where Daniel would ask me every day, often more than once, if I loved him.  When I said yes, he would grunt, or respond with "maybe" or "I don't think so" or "no you don't."  Recently he was feeling anxious about some upcoming changes in our family, and started recycling the whole "Do you love me?  No, you don't" pattern.  Besides this he was doing every little thing he could do to get on my nerves, and telling me he was "annoying" and "a bad kids."  It was really hard to parent him when he was in that mode, because at the same time that he so much needed reassurance and nurturing, he was acting in ways that were pushing me away.  He's doing much better now, but I have a feeling that at some point in the future, we'll re-cycle through those feelings and behaviors once again.

The good:

Our beloved foster/adopt agency recently had an open house their new location, and it snowed the whole time.  Daniel volunteered to shovel the sidewalk, which meant four hours of keeping an eye on accumulations and periodically going out to clear it off.  He did this all with energy and a positive attitude, and not one of the VIP guests had trouble walking in from their car, even the ones in high heels.  In between shoveling, he wandered around inside, cracking up the staff with his wise guy remarks.  (You know those sitcom characters who have a snarky comment for everything?  He can be like that in real life!)  We were really proud of his hard work and his willingness to help.  Besides being a character he has a lot of character, and it keeps getting better!

Also, I couldn't help but smile today when he called me from a club trip to thank me for noticing that the gloves he had picked out were too small and for putting a larger pair in his backpack.  (And, I'm thrilled that he agreed to go on a just-for-fun peer activity, just like a "normal" teen!  Social though he is, he has not been interested in typical teen activities like attending sports games or school dances or all-county choir, and I think it's probably good for him to experience that side of high-school life.)


So, there you have it.  Our life with an adopted teen is "different"...and there's plenty in that to drive us nuts...but also plenty to be thankful for!