My little boy is growing up!

Actually, both my "little" boys are growing up, but the one who gave me a twinge of nostalgia recently is Daniel.

Last month we were down in West Virginia trying to accomplish more cleaning and organizing of our house (which we still haven't sold).  Daniel proposed, somewhat off-handedly, that he would like to stay behind in the house when the rest of us went back to Ohio and see how he felt about living alone.  I started thinking aloud about how it could be accomplished...and much to my surprise, the suggestion started becoming a plan. 

It really was a good idea.  Daniel got to spend more time with his WV friends, and finished off some cleaning tasks that we hadn't had time to get to before we left.  After three days of "living alone" he took the train up to Kentucky, spent the night at my grandmother's house, and helped her with some tasks at her house before we arrived that afternoon to pick him up and take him home with us.  It was nothing extraordinary for a nineteen-year-old to do.

vlogging his ride over the Ohio State Fair

Except.  This is the nineteen-year-old who, just five years ago, followed me everywhere like a shadow.  He would even sit outside the bathroom door demanding a blow-by-blow account of what I was doing inside.  This is the nineteen-year-old who, even a couple of years ago, had to be convinced to go to a friend's birthday party.  This is the nineteen-year-old who had never spent the night away from us since the day we met, not even to sleep at Grandma's house while we stayed in a nearby hotel.  So spending three nights on his own--even with friends' families inviting him over for dinner and generally keeping him company--was a developmental leap.

In adoption circles, many people use the term "family age," meaning how long a child has been in their new family.  When a child is born into a family, they go through well-described developmental stages in their relationship to their parents.  In infancy, they learn that adults can be trusted to meet their needs.  Then they learn to distinguish themselves from their parents and assert their own point of view, always returning to their trusted parents as a safe base for exploration.  And so on.  When a child joins a new family, it makes sense to think that they will need to go through all these same stages, at least in an abbreviated fashion, in order to arrive at a secure bond of a type appropriate for their chronological age.  Thinking of a child's behavior in terms of their "family age" can make sense of otherwise mystifying "immaturity."  Maybe when a newly adopted teenager wants to be with you all.day.long they're not showing a deplorable lack of independence but rather diligently working their way through the infant stage of the relationship.  And maybe the most helpful response is not to tell them to go entertain themselves (although that can be helpful if it preserves parental sanity!) but to playfully fold them up along with the clean laundry they just sat in, or to indulge their desire to have you pick out their clothes for them every day.  At any rate, I have found the idea of "family age" helpful in increasing my patience with behaviors that don't match my expectations for a child's chronological age, or deciding whether or not to push participation in activities that would be typical for same-age peers, or even thinking through what kinds of discipline might work.

Daniel at age 14, hovering

And now?  Now I don't have to think about family age so often.  Our young man is, for the most part, a typical young man, working through the age-appropriate task of becoming independent.  And, like most parents, I find myself looking back with just a twinge of nostalgia.  He may not have done it on the usual time table, but my little boy is really, truly growing up.

8 years of Esther!

Yesterday was Esther's 8th Family Day.  What a blessing the last eight years with her have been!  We love this girl to the moon and back.

This year we are celebrating in two parts.  This week happened to be the dates we were providing respite care for a classmate (and good friend) of Esther's who is in foster care, so we are postponing our big family activity until next week during our open house.  But Tim and I and Joel went to Esther's school to eat lunch with her.  She always asks for bacon on her Family Day, so we brought bacon and tomato sandwiches.  Then in the afternoon we got out the slip 'n slide, which Esther has been begging to use for a few weeks now, and I watched the girls and Joel play in the water.

The day was not all roses, though.  After the school lunch, a kid from another class asked Esther (about us), "Who were they?"  It left her feeling really bad that we don't look like we match.

Actually, this has been a big year for her processing her history and her feelings about it.  When it became clear that this was something she was thinking about a lot, I read Kids Like Me in China with her and we watched Somewhere Between together.  She was intrigued that one of the girls in the documentary was able to track down her birth family and that it was a positive experience.  I really hope we can get our family back to China in the next few years, before Daniel is working full-time and before Esther becomes a teenager and has to deal with all the standard adolescent emotional tasks in addition to integrating her history with her present life.

But that is something to work on another day.

In the meantime, Esther is still our precious Esther.  She's sweet--and often sassy!  She laughs at the drop of a hat.  She lets her baby brother play with her beloved blankie...sometimes.  She doesn't like to sit still.  She does like to tease, especially her brothers.  She is physically daring, but dreads insects and public speaking.  She still isn't a fan of dresses and skirts, but she loves nothing better than to be wearing high-heeled shoes, fake fingernails, and a fancy hairdo.  She has an amazing fashion sense.  She loves books as much as I did in my bookworm youth, but instead of reading them she listens to them.  If she's not actually having a conversation with somebody, she's likely to be found carrying a listening device around with her.  I think her favorite books are the Allie Finkle series, but she enjoys a wide variety.  She recently finished Sign of the Beaver and said it was really good.  She likes to make things (like a dollhouse out of a cardboard box) and to do art.  She loves Jesus.

And we feel blessed beyond measure to get to watch her grow up.

How we spent our summer vacation, Part I

I just looked back at my (few and far between!) blogs from since Joel was born to see if I had said anything about Princess and Little Guy, our two-time foster children.  I found that I hadn't written about them, but in fact, one of the pleasures of our life post-Joel has been our ongoing relationship with those two.  After they went home for good, just a week before Joel was born, their mom was open to us continuing to see them.  In fact, they spent a couple of nights at our house when their own baby brother was born a couple of months after Joel.

Eventually we got our paperwork and training done for the mentoring program run by our foster-adoption agency and were officially signed up as their mentors.  We saw them several times a month for fun activities: a trip to the playground, our library's lifesize Candyland game, our church's trunk-or-treat, or just eating and playing together at our house.  It was the ultimate happy medium: we got to keep our relationship with them, but without the level of work and stress involved in integrating two more children into our household.  And they got to have their mommy back, but still have us around like a favorite aunt and uncle to enjoy them and cheer them on in life.  There were a few bumps in the road, of course.  Their mom changed her phone number pretty often and without warning, so then if we wanted to set up a time to see them we had to stop by their house in person and hope that someone was home.  And I was dubious about her new boyfriend, but as time passed and I witnessed him competently caring for the baby and adding needed structure to the household, I started to be more hopeful that she had finally found a winner.

So all was well, except that from time to time I would observe some little bit of information that didn't quite feel right.  For example, one day when we were dropping the kids off after an activity, Princess called me back to their bedroom to show me something and I saw that their bunk beds, bought new shortly before they moved back home, were gone.  It looked like the kids had been sleeping in a pile of blankets and pillows on the floor.  Mind you, there was nothing abusive or neglectful about that; it looked cozy and warm.  But I wondered what had happened to the beds and why.  Then in February we had a weird incident when we took them to a Valentine's Day party and their mom stayed in the bathroom the whole time I was there picking them up and dropping them off.  I know she is a private person so I hoped she just didn't feel up to socializing that day, but I worried whether she was hiding something, and what it might be.  And then the weather got bad and Tim was extra busy with work and their mom changed her phone number again and they weren't home when we finally made time to drop by...and weeks went by without us seeing or talking to them.  And when we stopped by their house a second time, they still weren't home and everything on the front porch looked the same way I had remembered it looking a few days ago, as if no-one had been there in the interim.  Even Little Guy's toy plane was lying at the same angle on the steps.

It was a really scary feeling wondering if they had moved and whether they were in a bad situation and whether we would ever see them again.

After worrying and driving myself crazy, I finally made an effort to pray and put them in God's hands each time I started thinking about them, instead of endlessly turning over in my mind what could be going on.  That helped, but I was vastly relieved when we stopped by their house a third time and they were home. 

Everything seemed normal.  Princess had a few not-so-great stories to tell, the next time we took her to a park, about things that had happened while we were out of touch, but it was all behind them now.  And then one evening in the spring, just as we were putting Esther to bed, we got a call from a stranger.  He was, it transpired, friends with the kids' mom and grandma, and he had happened to stop by their house just as a situation was unfolding that required somebody else to take care of the kids for a time.  He had brought all three back to his house, but he was also caring for an elderly uncle and didn't see how he could manage three children as well.  He could take the baby, he thought, but could we manage the other two?  It would just be for a couple of days.

So they came to stay with us for a couple of days, which turned into a week.  I didn't even attempt to do school with Esther that week, given how busy I was with Joel and Little Guy.  Princess's school, meanwhile, gave us fits.  First we realized that, although we could drop her off at school (or could have if it didn't interfere with Tim's work schedule), we couldn't legally pick her up because we weren't on her emergency card and her mom wasn't available to give her permission.  This is where having a good agency is priceless!  The head of our foster-adopt-mentoring agency called the school and got permission for agency staff to pick Princess up.  Then our mentoring team coordinator, who was in the throes of planning two major special events at the time, heroically showed up early every morning to take Princess to school, and went and retrieved her in the afternoons.  So that solved that problem, but then we had issues with Princess's homework, because her backpack was at home and she had no way of getting in to get it, so she was going to lose points for being unable to complete her reading assignments.  A note to her teacher solved that problem after a day or two, and she brought home an extra reading book that she could do her assignments in.  To cap it all off, Tim had a conference planned that week.  He did go, and the kids and I did fine with a lot of help from Daniel, but Tim cut out a planned and much-looked-forward-to visit with dear friends who lived near the conference in order to get home to us more quickly.  So it was a crazy week!  We were happy when the kids' mom's situation resolved and they were able to go back home.

So then things went back to normal again...except for the occasional unsettling blip like the text message from the kids' mom worrying that they might have to go into foster care again and asking if we would please take them if they did because she didn't want them to go to strangers.  And then one night in June, just after our trip to my grandma's house for Daniel's family day, the drama resumed. 

It started with a doorbell ring.  I was back in my bedroom putting Joel to bed, and Tim and the kids were at church.  I made it to the edge of the living room in time to see the back of someone I didn't recognize heading towards a van I didn't recognize, so I figured it wasn't important enough to run to the door, and I went back and finished getting Joel to sleep.  Then the phone rang.  This time it was Tim.  When he had come out of church, he had been greeted by Princess's paternal grandmother, who had all three kids with her.  She, it turned out, had been the unfamiliar driver of the unfamiliar van.  And once again, the kids needed a place to stay, this time all three of them.  She would have liked to do it herself, she said, but she was already raising six grandkids.  Well, we could understand that!  So we agreed, but told her that we would be calling their social worker in the morning.  If this was going to be longer term, we wanted the protection and support of a formal foster care arrangement, and we also felt that someone really needed to know if the kids were going to be constantly left in a crisis.

And that is how we began our summer as a family of eight.

There's a For Sale sign in our yard!

To explain why, I have to back up about a year and a half.

Last year was Tim's tenure year.  (Well, technically this year is his tenure year, but he elected to be evaluated a year early.)  If you're not part of a university community, let me assure you: tenure is a Big Deal.  Up until that point, a professor's career progresses through something like a funnel.  He (or she, but since I'm writing about a he I'll call our Everyprofessor a he as well) graduates from college.  He decides to continue his education, while some of his fellow graduates take other paths.  This is the entrance to the funnel.  He gets accepted to a Ph.D. program.  He passes his qualifying exams.  He researches, writes, and successfully defends his dissertation.  At each step, the funnel narrows a little more.  He hits the neck of the funnel when, unlike many equally talented and hardworking peers, he achieves a job offer as a tenure-track university professor.  And then, after having several years to prove his value to the university, he is evaluated for tenure.  If he makes it, he has Arrived.  Not that there aren't career goals after that, but they are individually chosen.  Tenure is the final seal of approval on Everyprofessor's identity.  A professor he truly is, and a professor he will likely remain for the rest of his life.

So, as Tim prepared for his tenure evaluation, he naturally did some thinking about his future.  He thought about what would happen if he didn't make tenure--where else would he apply to teach, or would he look into changing careers entirely?  And he thought about what would happen if he did make tenure--was this really his calling, the thing he was supposed to do for the rest of his life?  Thinking led to dreaming led to exploring...and last February we traveled to Columbus, OH for Tim to interview for a position working with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship's Graduate and Faculty Ministries at Ohio State University. (He was ultimately offered the job and accepted, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it!)

Tim's new position will have him mentoring graduate students.  It pulls together strands from so many areas of his life up until now: his educational and work experience, his love of studying and teaching the Bible (including some seminary classes, which he took years ago in case God would ever call him into ministry), and even his two years living and working in China (a large percentage of the graduate students in the fellowship are foreign students).  It feels like this is what he's been preparing to do all along.  It is still scary to walk away from a career that he has spent so many years investing in, not to mention walking away from a salary into a job where he will have to raise his own support, but we are excited about what is to come!

So, we have a For Sale sign in the yard.  This is the first house we ever owned, and our five and a half years here hold many milestones and memories.  This is where two of our children joined our family.  This is where the morning sun streaming through our living room windows makes the wood floor glow.  This is where we've hosted family and friends, and the home base from which we made the short(ish) drive to spend precious visits with my grandmother.  This is where the hill in the backyard that is such a pain to take care of in the summer becomes a sledding paradise with every snow.  This is where we've loved three children who didn't stay with us, and seen the human complexity of poverty and generational dysfunction.  This house has been a blessing, and we are so thankful for our time here! 

Columbus will be good, too (and still close to my grandmother!), but it will likely be a very different kind of good.  We are very excited to once again be living in a place with some diversity.  Daniel can't wait for a good city bus system that will give him access to shopping, especially for electronics.  It will also give him more options for getting a job, something he would very much like to do.  Esther has already become a die-hard fan of OSU.  When we were in Columbus for the interview, my great uncle (yes, I have family in Columbus!  And Tim has roots there as well!) taught her the O-H-I-O cheer.  She and Tim watch all the football games on TV, and she drew him this Brutus Buckeye from memory.  She also harbors dreams of running into gymnast Gabby Douglas, who now trains in Columbus.

Right now, the plan calls for us to move in early summer.  Tim has already informed his university that he won't be returning in the fall, and it's unlikely they'll be offering summer classes in his subjects, so we just need to wait for the kids to get out of school and for the house to sell.  The housing market is terrible here, so that is a matter for much prayer!  Tim does not have all his support raised yet and probably won't until after we move and he has the chance to meet more people who consider OSU's graduate students part of "their" ministry field that they want to invest in.  So we are thinking that he will go part-time at first and also take care of Joel a lot so that I can work full or part time (not sure which we want yet!) and bring in the rest of the income that we need.  I am part-way through the process of getting licensed as an Ohio public school teacher, with accreditation in teaching English and Language Arts and English to Speakers of Other Languages.  I've always loved teaching English, and my experiences with my own kids have taught me a thing or two about how the system works (or doesn't) for unusual learners.  So there are some exciting changes in store for me too.

Happy 4th Family Day, Daniel!

(Note: I wrote this a couple of months ago, but the essay I wanted to include wasn't at my fingertips, and life was so crazy I never got around to posting until today!)

June 13 was Daniel's fourth Family Day.  Wow, we have come a long way in the last four years!  For his Family Day, Daniel chose a weekend visit to my grandmother to attend the family reunion of my grandfather's family (and, perhaps not so incidentally, so he could fix her antique record player with a part that had been ordered by mail since our last visit).  Unfortunately, Daniel got sick on the 13th and ended up spending much of the day in bed.  He attended the reunion briefly, thinking that he was on the mend, and then felt worse again and had to be run home.  He was especially disappointed that he wasn't able to stomach the delicious chicken and noodles dish that is one family's traditional contribution.  (Joel, who was feeling just fine, chowed down on said dish.  He also polished off most of my pickled beets.)

By the next day Daniel was feeling better and was able to enjoy a very long side trip to Best Buy on the way home, where he carefully considered several different potential birthday presents, but in the end purchased none of them.  Tim and I replaced our beloved point-and-shoot, which had recently met an untimely end when it slipped out of Tim's hands as he was photographing kids on a carnival ride.

In honor of Daniel's family day, I'd like to share (with his permission) an article he wrote in his ESL class this spring.  As he has gotten enough experience in American culture and family life to look back on his first fourteen years from a different perspective, he has become interested in sharing his life experiences with others who might find them useful.  So, here is Daniel's first autobiography:

I went to the orphanage on June 20, 1997.  I was one month old.  The orphanage was in Shandong China.  There were upwards of 300 children there.  My first memories come from 2003, when I joined a group of disabled people who were learning to sing, dance, and do comedy to perform publicly in our town of Jinan, in Shandong Province.  I sang, which was a big step for me.  I entertained in plays and with songs for 10 years, competing with others throughout Jinan.  I received honorable mention. 

The staff included many kind people who gave their time to kids unselfishly, but other staff were just interested in their pay, not in us.  Unmotivated staff just sat and watched sad, scared kids.  They were deaf to tears and crying.  They disciplined kids harshly; maybe, for example, putting them into a dark room until the child stopped crying.

I was given the name of Fu Huang when I entered the orphanage.  “Fu” was the last name of every orphan.  “Huang” means yellow.  No thought was put into this name.

Breakfast in the orphanage consisted of eggs, milk, and a starch every day without variation.  Lunch was the main meal of the day.  This was meant to impress the administration, which took the noonday meal with us each day.  For dinner, we had soup and vegetables.  Often our food was overcooked and tasteless. 

On weekends the menu was about the same, except more poorly cooked.  On Sundays, rice was serve with tomato and egg soup.

School starts in the orphanage at age three.  School is in the orphanage until age 6.  At age 3 the curriculum consists of potty training and learning to walk.  Four and five year olds learn counting numbers and basic words.  Six year olds continue to learn more difficult words and numbers.  They also learn classroom behavior.  At age 7, students go to public school.  Here are a variety of schools available.  I attended a general disability school which minimized academic challenge.  For example, I didn't learn about adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing numbers until I came to America in seventh grade.  Until then, all we did was to count to higher and higher numbers.  I did get to continue to sing in school.

No religion was allowed in the orphanage, so in China I knew nothing about God.  When I came to America, I heard about Jesus from my parents. 

The orphanage financed itself by private individual donations.  Toys were purchased, but they were not for us to use.  They were stored in the storage room.  Because the staff was not always motivated, we learned self reliance and self awareness.  We made our own beds, cleaned our rooms, etc.

In the orphanage the schedule was fixed and inflexible.  In America, we have more freedom and flexibility.  For example, in the orphanage, lights were out at 9:00 every night.  All three meals were served at specific hours.  Chinese orphans have to eat all the food on their plate.  Even though the orphanage was a hard place to live,  it is much better than living on the street without food or clothes and shelter. 

I am happy I had the orphanage and I am also happy to be adopted out of there and taken to America.

I have vision problems.  I can see things that are very near, but I can't see far away.  People tell me, “You can't drive or fix electronic things very well.”  These people can't stop me from going farther.  If I cannot drive, I will still get where I have to go.  It might take longer, but I will get there, and I will be able to see more along the way if I walk.  I also find that I can repair simple electric items.  Again, it takes more time at first, but practice makes perfect.  Behind every cloud is a silver lining.  I always look for the silver lining.  Do you look for the silver lining when you see others?  With work anyone can reach his potential.  I believe that if I continue to work steadily, opportunities and unexpected joys will come.

School's out!

School is over for the year!  If you were in our town a few days ago, you might have heard us coming home from Daniel's final final exam at the high school--we were the ones in that worse-for-wear silver Camry with the windows open and the music blasting and an excited teenager in the front seat yelling, "No more school!  No more principal!"  (And then there's this: the music that we were inflicting on everyone within earshot was the Chris Tomlin version of Amazing Grace--does playing quality music cancel out the obnoxiousness of playing it too loud?)  I wonder if we raised any eyebrows as we went along.

But now we are home (everyone except Tim, who has research obligations this summer), and we are all enjoying the change of pace.  I think this is the first actually peaceful summer I've had in four years.  The first two summers Daniel was home, life could become a wild ride with little warning.  And last summer at this time I had two extra kids (who, at one point, we thought we were going to be asked to adopt) AND was very pregnant.  Not a recipe for relaxation.  So, this year, I am enjoying getting caught up on mending and hand-wash and cleaning and other projects around the house.  I can be out of earshot of the two older kids without worrying that they'll be at each other's throats by the time I return, and I can trust both of them with Joel.  I don't feel like I have to be on guard all the time, hoping for good but ready to respond to bad before it escalates out of control.  It's a good feeling.  There is definitely a time for taking on challenges and being stretched, but there can also be a time for consolidating the gains of those stretching times, and I think that we're in one of those right now.

Esther's 7th Family Day!

(On a side note, it is hard to believe that Tim and I have only been parents for seven years!  It feels like we've crammed a lot of parenting into that time, from a newborn to a teen, and up to four kids at once.  But this post is about Esther, not us, so on to the Star!)

Today is Esther's big day!  We will have to postpone her chosen special family activity (swimming again) until the weekend, but the new bathing suit is purchased, Tim made bacon for breakfast this morning and left her a special note, and she is in a happy, cooperative mood even though we're going back to a regular schoolday after several days out of routine at the end of last week.

Here is a snapshot of our no-longer-quite-so-little Star:

Age:  Seven

Likes:  sports, TV (especially Odd Squad and Stampy's Let's Play Adventure Maps), science, history, gymnastics, Minecraft, Frozen, playing jokes, fruit, friends, having an audience, high-heeled shoes

Dislikes:  wearing dresses; any clothes with ruffles, tight necks, or pleated sleeves; having to wait until mealtime to eat; math and reading (most of the time); being annoyed by Daniel

Favorite activities: practicing gymnastics (especially if she has an audience), playing with Daddy (they may be found with a board game or chemistry set, playing the wii, playing tag inside, or riding bikes or playing basketball outside), watching sports on TV (golf, football, hockey...she loves them all!), aggravating Daniel, listening to audio books (or better yet, being read to by a parent), playing Minecraft, playing pretend

Friends:  Her current BFF is Sarah from gymnastics.  At church, she most enjoys palling around with Katie and Emma, but also has fun with Victoria and Chad.  Princess is still her sister-at-heart--which means Esther sometimes longs to get together with her and sometimes would rather not!

Personality:  Esther at this age is a fascinating combination of feisty and insecure.  She still makes friends easily, with people of all ages, but she tells us that she's never going to marry because she wants to live with us forever.  She is outspoken, but she gets extremely nervous about talking in front of people.  We did the social studies fair again this year with our homeschool group (she portrayed Gabby Douglas) and she was proud of herself for "pushing through" her anxiety about it.  She is responsible enough to watch Joel while I'm in the shower, but she still sleeps with her beloved green blankie and wants us to pick her "uppy."  Some things that haven't changed: her curiosity, her powers of observation, her creativity, her energy level, and her sense of humor.  Earlier today she was laughing at almost nothing, and got so tickled that she fell over.  We love that girl's laugh!

We are so wonderfully blessed by this child that the Lord has entrusted to us.  We are proud of who she is growing to be, and can't wait to see what the next years bring.  Happy Family Day, Esther Si Di!