Happy Family Day, Esther

So, um, yeah...today is not actually Esther's Family Day.  In fact, it happened back in April!  But she deserves her own post, and late is better than never.

Her choice of family fun activity this year, as last year, was swimming at an indoor pool.  We gave her the option of doing it with just our family or of going at a time when Princess and Little Guy were with us.  She thought about it, and decided that she could get more parental attention if Princess and Little Guy were not there.  So we went swimming at a time when they had a Mommy visit.  It made our swimming time a little shorter than it might have been, but we all had fun.  (Personally, I really enjoyed the feeling of having my belly buoyed up by the water instead of being pulled down by gravity!  And the kids enjoyed that I could give them piggy-back rides in the pool, which I had not felt up to doing in the air for some months.)  You can tell from the pictures what Esther thought about her swimming time:

And Daniel continues to make progress in his swimming skills!

On our way home, Esther requested that we eat dinner out as part of her Family Day celebration.  So after we were reunited with Princess and Little Guy, we went out to Bob Evans (her choice).  All the kids enjoyed that!

On a sweet side note, Esther's prayers recently have frequently featured thankfulness that she has a mommy and a daddy.  I don't know if Princess and Little Guy's situation has made her think more about family or whether it's due to our impending baby or to something else entirely, but it's definitely a topic that has been on her mind.  The other day she was praying before bed and thanked God specifically that she was adopted by us because "otherwise I might not have known this family."  Her thankfulness doesn't negate the fact that she was denied growing up in her first family, and she has the right to feel about that however she wishes as she continues to understand it better, but for now I'm glad that she's glad to be in our family.  We are sure glad that we get to know her and love her and watch her grow up!

Happy Family Day, Daniel!

Three years ago today, we met Daniel for the first time.  We walked into our hotel, about half an hour before we were supposed to meet our guide/translator, hoping we could get into our room and get Esther down for a much-needed nap before our son arrived.  And then I looked over to the side of the lobby, and there he was.  It didn't seem quite right to pretend I hadn't seen him (though I was tempted!), so I walked over and nervously said hi to him and the orphanage staff member who had brought him.  He was friendly and anxious to make himself helpful, although he had some odd mannerisms (like randomly jumping up in the air and clapping his hands!).  I hoped the mannerisms were just nerves and I was right, as they were gone by the next morning, although some hyperactivity and the need to physically handle e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. in his environment were to linger for months.

Those are a few of my memories of the day.  At the time, of course, I could only guess at what Daniel might be thinking and feeling.  Three years later, he has told me some things about his experience of that day.

Whether to lessen his period of potential anxiety or to prevent the chance of his being devastated if we didn't come after all, the orphanage did not tell Daniel he was going to be adopted until June 11--two days before he became part of our family.  They had hinted to him three months before that that they might have a family for him, but he had been skeptical, and anyway, they had not said more about it.  So the news came as something of a shock!  It also meant he didn't get to say some of his good-byes, as many of his older friends were already working or studying elsewhere and were not at the orphanage during the two days when he knew he was going to be leaving.  He didn't get to visit foster family members who lived outside of the orphanage, either.  So he spent a lot of his first afternoon with us using QQ on our laptop, informing various friends and acquaintances that he was being adopted and going to America. 

I asked him recently if he had even wanted to be adopted at that point in his life.  He has told me about an episode when he was ten, when he was recording music at a mentor's house.  When it was time to return to the orphanage he started crying and insisted that he didn't want to go back.  His mentor asked why, and Daniel told him that he wanted a family of his own and didn't want to go back to his orphanage life.  (This was about the time the orphanage submitted his file for adoption; I have wondered if his mentor pushed them to do that.)  On the other hand, Daniel had also mentioned to me once that right before he found out he was to be adopted, he had been looking forward to being the new "top dog" among the kids at the orphanage, as many of the kids a few years older than he were leaving for jobs or further education.  So I suspected that the news that he was suddenly leaving for a new life complete with a set of strangers as his new family might not have been entirely welcome.  And I was right.  He came to us willingly, but he said that it was not necessarily his first choice, he "just do what I supposed to be do and leave the orphanage."  He told his friend that he didn't want to leave, but his friend pointed out that we had already come for him, so he couldn't not leave.  His friend encouraged him that he would have a better life with us, and Daniel agreed that it was likely so.  He says that by the time he met us he was feeling excited that he wouldn't have to go back to the orphanage.  He had seen a few kids sent back to the orphanage during the first 24 hours before the adoption was finalized because their new parents were overwhelmed by their behavior, so he worried a little bit about whether we would sign the paperwork the next day and he tried hard to be "good."

And while adoption is not for the faint of heart among parents, it is even more a leap off a cliff for kids!  Daniel is glad to be in a family, and we are very blessed that from the beginning he wanted to identify with us and to make this family thing work.  But he will tell you that coming to a new country is not easy.  The language has not been easy, the culture has not been easy, education has definitely not been easy, and even learning to be a "family kid" instead of an "orphanage kid" has had its challenges.  Sometimes--oftentimes--life here is just plain hard.  There are so many new things to learn, there are higher (and sometimes confusing) expectations to meet, and every new opportunity to succeed is also an opportunity to feel like a failure.  But, knowing what we know now, if we and he had the choice to make over again, we would choose to be family again in a heartbeat.

And while we gave him family, he has given us humor, passion and exuberance.

He can look normal, too.  I promise!

These pictures were taken at youth group activities last summer:

So, today, we celebrate.  We gave Daniel the choice of what to do, as we do with both kids on their Family Days.  At first he wanted to go shopping in another city to investigate possibilities for his birthday present.  But then he figured out what he wanted and we went ahead and got it while it was on sale, so shopping lost its appeal.  Then he got excited about the possibility of going to a Go-Kart track...but we couldn't find one in the area.  So we settled on eating good food and taking our periodic trip to another town to get Asian groceries.  We will do the shopping and the eating out at Red Robin tomorrow, while our extra kids are having their first long Mommy visit of their transition home.  Meanwhile, I made Daniel's favorite noodles for dinner, and he has been happily working on a plumbing project all evening.  It's unfortunate that, like every other home improvement we tackle, it turned out to be more complicated than expected.  He would probably be perfectly content to stay up till midnight working, but some of us are thinking of our beds!  However, it will be nice to have the faucet in the hall bathroom no longer dripping, and we are proud of Daniel's good plumbing skills and the pleasure he takes in problem-solving.

Happy Family Day, Daniel!  We're glad you're in our family.

PHEW! (we hope)

Well, things seem to be on track for Princess and Little Guy's family.  Their mom is doing great right now, and at the most recent meeting of all the people involved in the case, everyone agreed that it is time to start moving the kids back home.  I know Little Guy has been waiting for this day.  I was a little concerned that Princess has expressed only positive feelings about staying here, even as the stay has gone on much longer than she was told at first.  But last night when I told her that they will get an overnight visit this weekend, she whispered, "Finally!"  So I know they are both on board, as is their mom.  :-)

After the meeting (which was last week), I stopped worrying about their next court hearing, which I understood would just rubber-stamp the unanimous recommendation from lawyers, social workers and other providers that Mom get three more months of supervision and then get full custody back at the court hearing after that.  Apparently, it was not quite so simple.  Our social worker called afterwards to tell us how it went, and she said the judge talked for a while like he was going to terminate Mom's parental rights just because of the time frame.  Our county does NOT let cases drag on as long as this one has, which is a good law made for good reasons but probably not the best one to apply in this specific case.  In the end, after giving everyone a proper scare, he did agree to another three-month improvement period for Mom, with the caveat that she cannot mess up in any way during that time or she will lose custody of the kids.  So we are going to be praying for the next three months that nothing happens!  She has had her issues, but she dearly loves her kids and tries hard to do her best for them, and I think they would experience more trauma from losing that relationship than from whatever junk they will be exposed to through that relationship.  I have to admit that I have more specific concerns for the kids' future this time than I did last time they went back, because I know what things happened in the interim, and it's likely that some will happen again.  But at the same time, I think she will be able to give her kids a better childhood than what she had, and hopefully things will keep improving each generation.  She just started parenting really young, with few resources, spotty support and no healthy role models, and of course it's been a learning curve...but she really wants to learn, and that makes a difference!

AND, we are excited that Mom has agreed in principle to let us formally mentor the kids after they go back home!  Our agency has a mentoring program in addition to their many other programs, and they are going to let us refer the kids to that program and then sign up to be their mentors ourselves.  So unless Mom suddenly changes her mind once she has full custody back, we will get to continues the relationship.  I think that will be good for both families.

Meanwhile, we still have the kids for a few weeks.  We had initially thought they would go home right after their court hearing, so we're scrambling to get ready for Baby while parenting two extra little ones through the end of the month.  This week we put both girls in gymnastics camp and continued Little Guy in daycare, so we have the mornings to work (or blog!) in peace.  I'm loving it!!  We've noticed, though, that we're going to have to give the girls some time apart soon, as Esther is getting progressively crabbier.  She loves Princess dearly, but she still needs her one-on-one Mommy and Daddy time.  On the whole, though, we're doing well and feeling blessed.  Just not bored!  Ha.  :-)