interesting conversation

In light of my recent post on the topic of Esther's Chinese heritage, I thought I'd share the conversation Esther and I had last night. As I was putting her to bed, out of the blue she announced, "MY China." Well, maybe not quite out of the blue. I had earlier included her birth family in our bedtime prayer, and I think I referred to them as her "birth family in China." But anyway, here is how the conversation went:

Esther: MY China.

Mommy (trying not to act too surprised): Yes, you come from China.

Esther: Little.

Mommy: That's right, we came to China and got you when you were little.

Esther: Blankie.

Mommy: And we brought your green blankie and gave it to you in China.

Esther smiled and settled into her blankie, and the conversation was over. We tell her regularly, of course, that she used to live in China and that we came and adopted her there. And I have mentioned several times that we brought her green blanket with us when we came to China to adopt her. But it is interesting to see how she's starting to "own" these narratives.

I wish our library had a picture book about the birth family side of adoption. This coming Saturday is Mid-Autumn festival. It's very much like Thanksgiving in that it's basically a celebration of harvest and family togetherness. It seems like a good day to remember Esther's family of origin. Last year we missed the festival altogether because I wasn't paying attention to the calendar. But this year we have already bought our mooncakes (a traditional Mid-Autumn Day food), and on Saturday we're going to eat mooncakes and talk about Esther's birth family.

sad and happy

For the last month or two, Esther has been naming feelings. So far, she can describe herself as sad, happy or excited. So here are a couple of vignettes about her being sad and happy. The first one I've been reluctant to put down on paper because it's such an "I-should-have-known-better" moment...but I knew going into this that I was going to hurt her sometimes, despite my best intentions, so I guess I can be honest about it. :-( The second story, hopefully, will be an antidote!

Sad

I was trying to rinse a couple of items of clothing out in the bathroom, but a task that should have taken less than two minutes was dragging on and on because I had to keep dropping the clothes and turning around to get Esther out of some mischief. Finally, I said (calmly), "I think I'd do better without you," and I put her outside and closed the door. After quickly finishing my task, I went to look for her and found her leaning against the couch, sobbing her little heart out. Poor baby! Of course I held her and reassured her that I love her and all I was trying to do was finish my task without interference. But I still regret my choice of wording.

Happy

When I put Esther to bed, I often tell her, "I love you, and Daddy loves you, and Jesus loves you most of all." Sometimes we add other people into the list, too. So several weeks ago I told her, "I love you." She responded, "Daddy wuvs you?" "Yes," I agreed, "Daddy loves you." She asked, "People?" Again, I agreed, "Yes, lots of people love you!" And she said, "Happy."

being Chinese

One of the major challenges facing parents who have adopted cross-culturally is how to teach our children how to be something that we aren't. In this case, Chinese.

In some ways, I feel pretty well prepared. Having spent two years in China and a large chunk of my formative years in Thailand, I feel like I have some intuitive sense, albeit an incomplete one, of what it feels like to view the world as an Asian. Unfortunately, that doesn't help much with understanding how it feels to have the world view me as Asian. A book I was reading recently pointed out that in this country, people of European ancestry are apt to be viewed as individuals, representative of no-one but themselves, but minorities are apt to be viewed as representatives of their ethnic groups. So they may be judged by whatever stereotypes are attached to their ethnic group, and they in turn may influence how their group is judged. Since reading that, I've witnessed some interactions on the playground of our apartment complex that I think illustrate this dynamic.

1. Esther was playing near, and trying to get the attention of, a little girl of around kindergarten age. An older cousin (I think) of the little girl saw Esther kicking at woodchips near the girl and said, "Don't kick her!" The girl's father answered, "Don't worry, she's not mean like that other Chinese kid." [The child in question is Vietnamese, but I've heard other kids refer to him as Chinese on several occasions...and yes, he is sorely lacking in social skills, although he's getting better.]

2. Two elementary-age girls on the swings were discussing the idiosyncracies of a classmate. One said to the other, "He's not weird, he's just Chinese." Which, to me, could be taken as meaning that Chinese people are normally weird (or that immigrants are normally weird, depending on the context).

3. An elementary-age girl who had just met Esther and was quite taken with her was introducing her to her friend. She explained, "She's Chinese! That's why she's so cute." (And if that sounds like a perfectly normal thing to say, try to imagine someone saying, "She's white! That's why she's so cute." They just wouldn't--not, I think, because it would be snobbish, but because whiteness is our mental default setting and doesn't get noticed. Mind you, I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that statement in China.)

So, even in this very diverse area, and even setting aside identity issues related to adoption, Esther's Chineseness is likely to be more complicated for her than my Europeanness is for me. And helping her navigate that is going to be a challenge, but for the moment it's still a future challenge.

What is important now is that she begin forming a positive identity, not just as a human being and a girl, but also as an Asian-American. There are definitely "best practices" out there for adoptive parents to follow. We--and she--have relationships with a Chinese community: check. We have incorporated some elements of Chinese culture (artifacts, foods and holidays) into our lives: check. We not only expose her to the Chinese language but demonstrate value for it ourselves: check. I don't have any illusions that she will be remotely bilingual or bicultural as a result of our superficial efforts (by superficial here I don't mean careless or insincere, just that they inevitably only touch the surface of our lives together). But I hope she will be able to take pride in the accomplishments of both her Chinese and European forbears, and if she wants to immerse herself in her birth language and culture at some point, I hope she will have a good foundation for doing so. So we tell her that she's Chinese, and teach her some words in Chinese, and talk about how she used to live in China. And I think it's sinking in.

Sometimes when I don't have a timer handy, I will count to mark time. I usually ask Esther if she wants me to count in English or Chinese, and she often chooses Chinese. She herself can count as well (or as badly, depending on how you look at it!) in Chinese as in English.

Esther knows which of our books are in English and which (several children's picture books and textbooks) are Chinese. She will sometimes look at the Chinese books and speak fake Chinese (that is, she'll produce Chinese-sounding syllables, but they're not any words that she knows). She does also know a few words in Chinese, and uses them from time to time.

We have a two-sided embroidery from China which is in a rotatable frame. Esther loves to push the frame and make it go around. The other morning we had it out on the floor and I told her that it was from China, and people in China make a lot of beautiful things. She looked very pleased and announced, "My China!" (Although to be fair, this doesn't necessarily mean that she associates herself with China; anything that she likes or wants these days is "mine." But at the very least, it means that China is something she thinks is desirable.)

When we were at my grandmother's house over Labor Day weekend, Esther saw the referral picture we got of her, taken when she was five months old, and called it "baby Serena" (a little friend who is about four months old and also similar coloring). We told her it was a picture of herself as a baby. Later in the library she saw a picture of a baby from southern China and called it "baby Esther."

From time to time I mention something to Esther about her birth family. Tonight we prayed for her birth family, and she echoed, "buf famy." I told her that she has a birth family in China and she smiled. A few minutes later, in the middle of her lullaby, she piped up, "family." So I told her that she has a family here (naming off some of the closest members) who all love her, and she also has a birth family in China who are Chinese, like her. She looked very pleased.

Morning Mystery

This morning, after waking us up, Esther announced that she was "poopy" (which usually means she's wet). I went to pick her up out of her crib, and sure enough, she was soaked. So I groggily set her down on the floor and removed her socks and pants. I don't specifically remember removing her diaper. Nor do I remember not removing her diaper. I know I was sleepy, but I would have thought I would notice if she wasn't wearing one. Wouldn't I?

Anyway, later in our morning routine I started looking for the diaper to throw it away, but the only diaper I could find was a completely dry, unfolded one near Esther's crib. There was no wet diaper on the floor, no wet diaper in the bathroom trash, and no wet diaper in the kitchen trash. (Not to mention no wet diaper in my memory.) Her sheets WERE even wetter than they usually are when her diaper overflows. So my best guess is that before she went to sleep last night, Esther pulled down her pajama pants, removed her diaper and dropped it out of her crib, then pulled her pants back up and proceeded to sleep that way for the rest of the night. Or else I'm going crazy. That would explain it, too.

guessing game (and other random funnies)

The following scenario took place several times. I was in the kitchen, and Esther was in her chair at the table. She was urgently trying to tell me something, which I couldn't make heads or tails of. My brain was attempting to impose words on the sounds I was hearing: Daddy's tops? Debby's chips? Finally I looked out the window--and realized she was trying to tell me about the garbage truck.

In general her pronunciation is becoming clearer. Elephant has gone from "EHfowee" to "Ehwfee," lotion has gone from "wowie" to "woeshee," pool has gone from "puwee" to "puwa," and so on. But there are still a few words for which I've just had to memorize the pronunciation. See if you can match the following pronunciations with their meanings:

1. dupdups a. big toilet

2. chuicy (rhymes with juicy) b. tissue

3. bid toity c. squirrel

4. icy peas d. sandals

5. seeuhwee e. chapstick

6. steu (vowel as in good) f. thank you

7. dadeu g. ice cream, please

Answers: 1e, 2b, 3a, 4g, 5d, 6c, 7f

And now for the random funniness:

A few days ago we were loading up our groceries after shopping when a woman walked by us ranting. Who she was ranting at was not clear, nor did I catch most of what she was saying. But just as she walked by us she was declaring, "I get back from work and I take my clothes off...". Esther looked up at me and said, "MY clothes off!"

In a similar spirit, the other day she was eating with only a shirt on. (Did I mention we're potty training?) She manage to remove it herself, and gleefully announced, "Naky baby!!"

Esther has discovered that Tim and I have other names names besides Mommy and Daddy. She will often call Tim "Tim," especially if she is calling for him from a distance. And sometimes she calls me "Honey." (Maybe "Linette" is too hard to pronounce?) Yesterday we were at a large gathering and Tim was watching her, but she wanted to find me so she could get some more food from her bowl. So I hear this little voice calling through the crowd, "Mommy, honey?"

When Tim and I eat something that is a particular delicacy--like good chocolate!--we have developed a whimsical habit of tapping our pieces together and saying "cheers!" Esther has picked up that habit with a vengeance. She will do "cheers" with any two things that match: two crackers, two cups, two dish sponges...or even two tricycles (she was on one; a neighbor boy was on the other; thankfully, no-one got hurt). She likes to have someone else join her in the cheers, but if no-one else is handy she will hold one item in each hand, knock them together, and say "cheers!"

Yesterday Esther and I rode the bus to try out a new park (which turned out to have a very cool playground!). Toddler that she is, she was being very possessive. As in, she objected to another passenger holding on to the same pole she was holding on the bus, and when another child got in the swing next to hers she said "mine!" and started to run over to claim it. So I had to laugh when she started climbing a (very wide) ladder and another two-year-old grabbed it possessively and said "No! MINE!" Esther looked a little confused, so I reassured her that it was okay, there was plenty of room for both of them to use the ladder and she could go ahead up. So she did, and then turned around and told the little boy in her bossiest voice, "Share!" Um, Esther, did you ever hear the saying about practicing what you preach?

language explosion, part two

Once Esther's vocabulary was off and running, her language started to become more complex. Around the end of April, when she was almost 22 months, she began putting words together. Her first phrase was either "bird fly" (the only reason we're not certain about that is because it was the first time either one of us had heard her use the word "fly") on April 28th or "up steps" on May 2nd.

During the month after that, she began adding grammar. First, if I remember correctly, were the pronouns. Esther astounded me by using "I," "me" and "mine" correctly, even though pronouns tend to be very confusing for small children. Unlike many children, she never really referred to herself as "Esther"; it was "I" and "me" from the beginning. She is just now starting to refer to pictures of herself as "Esther," but when somebody asks her name she usually just stares at them (once she answered "baby.") I suppose her correct use of the pronouns is facilitated by two factors: much of what she has to say is about herself, and she doesn't know any other pronouns. Well, now she's starting to use "you" in stock phrases like "I love you" (I wuv you) and "See you later" (see you wayduh). But a while back when she wanted me to throw something away for her, it came out, "I throw away...Mommy?" (I fowway, Mommy?).

Another early piece of her grammar was the 's' sound of "is." I was never quite sure whether she meant "it's," "where's," or "there's," but for a while almost every noun was prefaced with "ess." So when she saw a bicycle, she announced, "ssbye!" and when she saw a car that reminded her of ours, she said, "ssDaddy tah!" She also frequently asked me (when Tim wasn't home), "ssDaddy?"

She also picked up rather quickly on the article "a" and used it liberally, to the point that I wondered if she really thought that "bite" begins with an "uh" sound.

Now, at 25 months, Esther has added to her grammatical repertoire (more pronouns and prepositions, as well as question words) and it makes for some entertaining sentences! Some examples:

(After refusing the crackers I was offereing her): "I want this one!" (pointing in the general direction of the kitchen, where "this one" was presumably located)

(When she tilted her water bottle up too high and got water in her nose): "Spill my nose"

(While potty training): "Nobody poops" (wishful thinking, that one!) and "Wet comes out me"

(When I told her not to get her nose in the bath water or she might choke): "Why choke?"

(While listening to a cicada): "What tady doing here?"

(When I asked her if she wanted to do something): "Yes. I do!"

(When I said she could do something if she wished): "I wish!"

Most of her conversation, however, still consists of single words or short phrases. Here are some examples:

Esther: Dead bug.

Mommy: Yes, there's a dead bug on the step.

Esther (putting her nose two inches from the bug): Stare me!

Mommy: Does the bug scare you?

Esther (happily): Me too!

Esther: Tady!

Mommy: You're right, I hear the cicada too!

(The cicada stops singing)

Esther: Shh. Sweeeby!

Mommy: Do you think the cicada's sleeping?

Esther: Byedee!

Mommy: Um, cicada's don't use blankies.

(As far is Esther is concerned, anyone she can't see or hear is sleeping. With a blankie. Blankies are very, VERY important.)

It's so fun being able to have actual conversations with her!

More birthday photos

After our blueberry picking expedition, we and our friends headed to a picnic shelter at a state park for lunch, cupcakes and presents. None of the kids ate much lunch (I wonder why!). After lunch, and some playtime, we decorated cupcakes.

Can I pick up the whole plate and put it to my mouth?

More sprinkles, please! (I'm not sure how many of the kids actually ate a whole cupcake--Esther didn't--but they sure enjoyed decorating them!)

"Happy Birthday, dear Esther!" Despite having blown out candles like a pro at several recent celebrations, at her "real" party Esther acted like she had never seen a candle before. She kept sticking her face and hands up to the flame and saying "hot!" but she wouldn't blow them out for anything. Mommy finally got impatient and did it for her!

Apparently, pulling candles out is more fun than blowing them out.

Esther and the other kids had fun banging with sticks on the metal railing. In fact, we had a hard time enticing her away from her sticks to open presents!

This particular gift rated immediate wearing.

And then she went back to her sticks.

After the party, we took a quick family walk. Esther was very interested in a large millipede that we found. I tried to show her how it would roll up into a ball if prodded with a stick, but all it did was turn around and start crawling towards her. She jumped up with a slightly alarmed expression, declared, "space!" and backed up several feet so the millipede had plenty of room to navigate. Esther also enjoyed watching a couple of horses that we met on the trail.

All partied out, on the drive home.