I was recently reading some articles about talking with adopted children about adoption. Usually I just read the preschool stuff, but this time I thought I'd better read the adolescent stuff as well, since we're about to have an adolescent in the family. One thing the article touched on was what an intense part thoughts of birth family can play in an adolescent's inner life. Not that it is the same thing, but it made me think about what an intense part our children-to-be have played in my thoughts for each adoption, even before we were officially in process.
All that to say, I have been thinking a lot about our son lately. The trouble is, I don't know what to think. I know our lives will change drastically in less than two months, but I can't picture how. It's not lack of information. I have read numerous books about older child adoption and first-hand accounts from other adoptive parents, and I know what range of experiences is normal. But I have no way of knowing where in that range our experience will fall. Even though we have been blessed by way more information about our son than is generally available to families adopting from China...none of it really tells us what kind of a person he is. We have reports from people at his orphanage who know him well...but I have to wonder how selectively the information may have been chosen and presented. After all, their main goal is to recruit a family, not to paint a perfectly objective picture. We have other reports from people whose objectivity I trust, but their observations were much more superficial. So when I try to picture what it will be like to have our new child in our house, I'm at a loss. And I find that it's frustrating not being able to picture my life beyond six weeks from now!!
For example, when Tim and I were trying to develop teenager-ready house rules and consequences recently, we found it hard to formulate them without knowing either what discipline issues we will have, or what our son cares about enough to motivate him to do things "the way we do it in this family." (On the subject of behavior issues, I should clarify that I think we have a pretty good idea of issues that are common among older internationally-adopted children coming out of institutions, we just don't know which issues our particular child will have. I don't, for example, see him being both an over-pleaser and oppositional at the same time.) I don't know which of our favorite summer activities will be things that we can do with him. I don't know if he will like what we normally eat, or what we/he will eat if he doesn't. And the list goes on. At least with a newborn you don't have to know their personality to have some idea of what it will be like caring for them the first few months!
Here are the things that we do know (or are pretty sure we know) based on our various sources:
He has a beautiful singing voice (possibly in transition right now--he is about due for his voice to change), and he loves music.
When he is happy, he has a smile that lights up a room. (We got some update pictures of him playing in the snow that made me hope for a snowy winter next year!)
He very much wants his own family, and is willing to move to a foreign country to get one. He has had some experience living or visiting with families in China. He has had a much wider range of social experiences than most kids growing up in orphanages.
He is skinny and a little on the short side for his age.
He is a favorite of adults, gets along well with peers, and helps out with younger children (but that's not necessarily the same as being kind to them).
Our most recent report from the orphanage says he "has his own opinion on how to live his life"--perhaps a positive way of saying, as his nanny did on his video interview (in response to a clarification question), that when he is upset he argues with his caregivers! Still, that is normal for a teenager, and I would rather live with a child who knows his own mind than one who has never had an independent thought. His initial report described him as very understanding and good at communication and expressing himself.
We have heard him described as both "outgoing" and "quiet." He impresses outsiders as being mature compared to his orphanage-mates, but who knows.
Back to the discipline question...we finally gave up. Our basic house rules (no hurting people, no destroying stuff, be safe, listen to Mom and Dad) will be the same for him as for Esther, and we will just have to figure out the details as they come up...and accept that it will take some trial and error to figure out consequences that get the desired effect (motivation to improve behavior) without triggering shame, fear or rage that could make the effect of the consequences worse that the effect of the original misdeed. I don't like getting things wrong...but I generally get things wrong with Esther a time or two when first addressing a new phase of misbehavior, so I don't know why I would expect to be more competent with a teenager that I barely know! I have a feeling I'm about to get a lot of practice in letting go of my own expectations for myself, and accepting being a learner rather than an expert. I'm not looking forward to the exhaustion that I know will accompany all this learning, but part of me is getting really curious and excited to finally get to know our new son!
All that to say, I have been thinking a lot about our son lately. The trouble is, I don't know what to think. I know our lives will change drastically in less than two months, but I can't picture how. It's not lack of information. I have read numerous books about older child adoption and first-hand accounts from other adoptive parents, and I know what range of experiences is normal. But I have no way of knowing where in that range our experience will fall. Even though we have been blessed by way more information about our son than is generally available to families adopting from China...none of it really tells us what kind of a person he is. We have reports from people at his orphanage who know him well...but I have to wonder how selectively the information may have been chosen and presented. After all, their main goal is to recruit a family, not to paint a perfectly objective picture. We have other reports from people whose objectivity I trust, but their observations were much more superficial. So when I try to picture what it will be like to have our new child in our house, I'm at a loss. And I find that it's frustrating not being able to picture my life beyond six weeks from now!!
For example, when Tim and I were trying to develop teenager-ready house rules and consequences recently, we found it hard to formulate them without knowing either what discipline issues we will have, or what our son cares about enough to motivate him to do things "the way we do it in this family." (On the subject of behavior issues, I should clarify that I think we have a pretty good idea of issues that are common among older internationally-adopted children coming out of institutions, we just don't know which issues our particular child will have. I don't, for example, see him being both an over-pleaser and oppositional at the same time.) I don't know which of our favorite summer activities will be things that we can do with him. I don't know if he will like what we normally eat, or what we/he will eat if he doesn't. And the list goes on. At least with a newborn you don't have to know their personality to have some idea of what it will be like caring for them the first few months!
Here are the things that we do know (or are pretty sure we know) based on our various sources:
He has a beautiful singing voice (possibly in transition right now--he is about due for his voice to change), and he loves music.
When he is happy, he has a smile that lights up a room. (We got some update pictures of him playing in the snow that made me hope for a snowy winter next year!)
He very much wants his own family, and is willing to move to a foreign country to get one. He has had some experience living or visiting with families in China. He has had a much wider range of social experiences than most kids growing up in orphanages.
He is skinny and a little on the short side for his age.
He is a favorite of adults, gets along well with peers, and helps out with younger children (but that's not necessarily the same as being kind to them).
Our most recent report from the orphanage says he "has his own opinion on how to live his life"--perhaps a positive way of saying, as his nanny did on his video interview (in response to a clarification question), that when he is upset he argues with his caregivers! Still, that is normal for a teenager, and I would rather live with a child who knows his own mind than one who has never had an independent thought. His initial report described him as very understanding and good at communication and expressing himself.
We have heard him described as both "outgoing" and "quiet." He impresses outsiders as being mature compared to his orphanage-mates, but who knows.
Back to the discipline question...we finally gave up. Our basic house rules (no hurting people, no destroying stuff, be safe, listen to Mom and Dad) will be the same for him as for Esther, and we will just have to figure out the details as they come up...and accept that it will take some trial and error to figure out consequences that get the desired effect (motivation to improve behavior) without triggering shame, fear or rage that could make the effect of the consequences worse that the effect of the original misdeed. I don't like getting things wrong...but I generally get things wrong with Esther a time or two when first addressing a new phase of misbehavior, so I don't know why I would expect to be more competent with a teenager that I barely know! I have a feeling I'm about to get a lot of practice in letting go of my own expectations for myself, and accepting being a learner rather than an expert. I'm not looking forward to the exhaustion that I know will accompany all this learning, but part of me is getting really curious and excited to finally get to know our new son!
1 comment:
Yes, it must seem like an almost overwhelming Great Unknown in your lives. And in his, too. And no doubt Esther will have some feelings about all the attention being directed toward her new brother. Can you clone yourselves?? ; )
On the other hand, you won't ever get everything right, whatever that means, so you can just let go of that expectation of yourself. Now, don't you feel better? Just remember to give all of you time to get to know each other and your new family configuration, and to get all the help you can.
You said he likes music - would you be able to get him a keyboard before he comes? Just a thought...Love you guys...
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