siblings hitting their stride

It seems like in the last month or so, Daniel and Esther have figured out their roles.  It's not that they haven't been relating to each other for the past nine months.  They have always had times where they really enjoyed each other, as well as times that they picked at each other or were very jealous of each other.  But it feels like something has changed.

When Daniel came into our family, Esther became both a sister and a little sister for the first time.  The little part didn't seem too painful, although naturally she did not feel (or act!) particularly nurturing towards this intruder who was twice as big as she was and allowed to do things that she isn't yet.  But I believe it was only a little harder than being "displaced" by a baby would have been.  Meanwhile, she blossomed whenever her new big brother paid attention to her, and loved for him to carry her piggyback or to share a treat with her.  One of my fond memories from our early days home is the time Esther somehow talked Daniel into "playing baby" with her--I will never forget her looking sweetly up at her teenage brother saying, "You be the mommy!"  When he did not pay attention to her spontaneously, she tried to get his attention by whatever means came to mind.  Unfortunately, these means often involved being aggressive towards him (you know the stereotype of the little boy who pulls the pigtails of the little girl that he likes? well, that would be Esther and Daniel, just with the gender roles reversed) and bossing him around loudly.  And the above scenarios all assume that Esther and Daniel were the main players in the interaction.  Throw in a parent and things could get ugly.  One of my not-so-fond memories from early on is when I was giving Daniel a little TLC after a particularly frustrating math session.  Esther (who had been fine up until that moment) first tried to push him out of my lap so she could climb in herself, and then, when that failed, burst into heartbroken tears that demanded to be comforted...except that I already had my hands full.

For Daniel's part, he just wasn't quite sure what to make of Esther.  He had, I believe, been considered one of the more responsible of the kids in his age range at the orphanage, and was often asked to watch groups of younger kids for a period of time.  But these kids were still older than Esther, and in any case he had been acting in a capacity as a junior caregiver, not a family member.  To do him credit, he was quite willing to learn to be one of two kids in our family rather than the kid in charge.  But he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do with this other kid who was sometimes really fun, and sometimes walked up and hit him or yelled at him for no apparent reason.  And just as Esther was jealous of him, he was jealous of her.  Not only did she sometimes take our attention away from him, but our closeness with her was a reminder of all he missed by not being in our family since babyhood...and of the ways in which our relationship with him is different.  So we went through cycles with the two of them.  Sometimes they would treat each other nicely and enjoy each other's company for several days at a time, and other times there would be long stretches where Esther would be aggressive and territorial towards Daniel and Daniel would be over-the-top annoyed by everything she did.  During the latter stretches every once and a while Daniel and I would have these heart-to-hearts where Daniel would share all the injustices that Esther had brought into his life and voice the wish that he were our only child.

But now, although they still have spats, they seem to be operating from a stable base, a base in which they know they love each other and belong together.  The other day at the dinner table, Daniel was making faces at Esther.  She yelled at him, "STOPPING!"  Instead of reacting to her tone of voice, Daniel just grinned a little.  And pretty soon Esther grinned a little too, and started making faces back at him.  Meanwhile, Daniel said to me the other day, "I know Esther likes me and wants to get along with me and be friends with me."  And Esther tells me that "Daniel loves me because he helps me tickle you."  So while I don't think the territoriality and jealousy are entirely gone, these siblings' relationship has gotten much bigger than that.  It includes aggravating each other for entertainment, but also includes helping each other and enjoying each other.  And we can live with all that!