more about siblings

So, yesterday morning, Esther and I came back from breakfast after Tim and Huang-huang did.  We came in the door to find Huang-huang lying on his tummy drawing.  She said, "Mommy, he's using your pen!  He didn't ask!"  I reminded her that it was my pen, and if I had a problem with him using it I would take care of it myself.  Then she lay down next to him and started kicking him.  She was removed, and instructed to take off her shoes.  Instead, she lay down next to him in another spot and recommenced kicking.  She was removed again, and told again to take off her shoes.  Instead, she grabbed Huang-huang's electronic translator (which she is not supposed to touch without permission).  After a time-out and some intervention from Daddy, she finally had her shoes off and settled down to draw in her notebook.  She looked over at Huang-huang drawing, went and lay down next to him, and colored peacefully in parallel.  Okaaaaaay.

So, yeah, we go back and forth.  There are times when the two of them laugh and play together and have a wonderful time, and there are times when Esther is pretty aggressive.  Yesterday evening I got tired of removing her and just told her that if he whacked her back that would be her problem, not mine.  Other than some half-hearted complaints, he pretty much ignored her pounding on him.  He lived with a group of smaller boys at the orphanage, so I gather he is used to being beat on and doesn't take it  too seriously.  At least, I hope that's the reason and that he doesn't think she's the alpha female of the family!  He has commented at times that she is naughty, cries a lot, and gets her own way a lot.  He doesn't sound particularly unhappy about it.  In fact, he's pretty indulgent with her most of the time.  He let her take his turn using the hotel door key a couple of times, gives her piggy-back rides on demand, etc.

During our first 48 hours as a family of four, Esther got a couple of time-outs for hitting her brother and attempting to spit on him, but now the problem behaviors we're seeing are more along the lines of accidentally-on-purpose hurting (stepping on him instead of over him, or playing really rough) and hitting/kicking/pushing him away when I am carrying her and he also wants to hold my hand or put his arm around me.

The most problematic behavior that we had from Huang-huang early on--which was probably an attempt to be helpful to his new family--was that he was intervening (as in, running to grab Esther or to grab something out of her hand) whenever Esther did something that he thought she shouldn't.  That did nothing to help the sibling relationship, and also made it harder for us to discipline her.  (It was also pretty irritating when he tried to discipline her for things he does himself, like  picking everything up to examine it!)  After a talk (with the help of our guide) about letting parents do their own job, and a few reminders that I am the Mommy and he is not the Mommy, things got much better with the physical intervention.  He still tells her off a lot, and there are times that we get really tired of hearing "Esater, NO!" and "Satop!"

One of the vignettes that I will remember about them from early on is the morning we went to do our adoption paperwork, less than 24 hours after our first meeting.  Esther really wanted to sit near Huang-huang, so they both go in the back seat of the van together...and then proceeded to spend the rest of the ride encroaching into each other's space and tattling about it.  Oh, yes, we are working on the tattling.  At first I welcomed it as an improvement over physical confrontation.  And I think in some ways it is helpful for both kids as they get a feel for what our behavioral standards are and whether they are the same or different for the two of them.  But I tell you, the "Mommee, ni kan ta!" ("Mommy, look at her!") and "Fu Huang shouldn't be doing that!  He didn't ask!" get real old real quick.  I think it is slowly dying down a little bit, as they start to realize that (on Esther's part) we really prefer to take care of our own interpersonal  issues without her "help" and (on Huang-huang's part) that we really are aware of what his little sister is doing and are in control of the situation.

Esther still says she doesn't like having a brother.  I think what she really doesn't like is having to share us with him.  When it's just the two of them, she certainly gives every appearance of liking him.  It is hard that both of them particularly want my attention.  Esther tends to become a Mommy's girl when she needs reassurance or is feeling out of sorts, and Huang-huang can talk to me and not to Tim, so he tends to gravitate towards me.  So Tim and I have been working hard to make sure that both children get periods of my undivided attention.  Sometimes that has meant splitting up and having Tim do an activity with one child while I do an activity with the other.  Thankfully, Huang-huang is not at all pushing Tim away (as some newly adopted children do with one of their parents) and is quite happy to go with him, especially if he's doing a more interesting activity than I am.

This afternoon we're all going to go swimming.  Huang-huang has been counting the days until he got his TB test read and was allowed to get his arm wet again, and today is it!  His TB test, by the way, was virtually non-reactive.  So, no chest x-ray and no regimen of pills.  Hurray!